Well, the day is upon us. The day where we get to welcome a man who resembles an elaborate effigy made of frankfurter sausages gaffer-taped together as leader of the ostensible free world. Like all monumental public events in history organised by a narcissist, it promises to be a spectacle- with the exception of Michael Flatley’s performance- and people are going to come from far and wide, eager to see how everything unfolds- with the exception of Michael Flatley’s performance.

As such, space around the Capitol Hill, where the inauguration of a man, physically reminiscent of a child’s attempt to whittle a humanoid out of a butternut-squash, will take place is expected to be at a premium. For the common punter, eager to get an eyeful of these shenanigans, this can be stressful enough, but for the busy assassin on the job, these hoardes of, if you’ll excuse, absolute M-effers are an absolute nuisance. So rather than having to slum it with these foo’s clamouring round the steps of the Capitol Building, we’ve compiled a list of the top 5 alternative spots around Washington from which you can get yourself a clear shot view of the proceedings.

1) The Washington Monument:

An obvious classic for the assassin with a sense of the spectacular. This famous landmark provides prime views of the steps of the Capitol Building where the inauguration will take place. Several viewing galleries and windows located near the top of the monument make an ideal spot to set up shop and view the proceedings. There may be some resistance provided by security, but this will no doubt only add to the drama of the day, making you feel like you’re a real life James Bond, as you bundle an unconscious security guard into a broom cupboard and make your way up the steep internal staircase to your spot.

2) From A Helicopter:

Trump Inauguration Helicopter

There are several helicopter tours* that take in the sites of the city, what easier way than to get a great view of the inauguration then to book yourself onto one of these? Wondering how you could possibly sneak your large rifle with attached telescopic sights onto the ‘copter without anyone noticing? Simply disguise your piece as a small child by sheathing it in a garishly coloured anorak and one of those adorable heights affixed with a windmill over the nozzle. People may look oddly at your cold oblong metal child, but to allay their suspicions simply whisper to these nosy so-and-so’s that he’s got a medical condition and their inbuilt aversion to difference will ensure they keep themselves to themselves. As you get nearer the Capitol Hill building, well simply pick up your odd metal child and take aim.

*Not suitable for assassins with a fear of heights or flying.

3) The Capitol Hill Hotel:

For the assassin went a taste for the luxurious. Why not book a penthouse suit in the nearby Capitol Hill hotel. Don’t be put off by it’s 3-star rating, it boasts excellent views of The Mall, and once you’ve done your job from your rooftop balcony, why not relax with a refreshing Martini from the mini-bar, or decompress with an invigorating work-out in the 24 hour Fitness Center.

4) A Grossy Knoll:
For the sentimental assassin with a keen sense of nostalgia. There are many hills or ‘knolls’ situated around Capitol Hill, which will provide a lovely panorama of the unfolding inauguration. Simply pop a hunker on yo’ knoll and have a snoop down the telescopic sights and do what needs to be done.

5) An A-Frame Ladder:

Trump's Inauguration

For the assassin on a budget. If your overheads won’t stretch to hotels and helicopter rides the simple alternative to get yourself a decent vantage point in those throngs of mofos, simply twaddle along to the nearest DIY store and hook yourself up with an A-frame ladder. Find a spot around The Mall, pitch it up and break out yo’ piece.