As with every other year, the Oscars was on hand to teach us some valuable life-lessons last night. Like how nice it must be to have an unlimited income and dress up like royalty. And that it pays to be beautiful. And that talent lasts for a year. We love the Oscars.

1) Play the Opposite of Acting.

There’s nothing Hollywood likes more than its A-listers pulling out all the stops and being exactly the opposite of everything it embodies to muster the illusion that it’s in anyway representative of real life. From a spoiled, unashamedly posh twat to cripplingly brilliant, Redmaynes performance as Stephen Hawking is truly transformative.

But so was Steve Carrell in Foxcatcher, no-one would have expected Bradley Cooper to play such a convincing child-killer, Cumberbatch made a good eccentric intellect (again), and Michael Keaton played a washed-up actor almost as though he was one himself.

But Eddie Remaynes follows in the footsteps of our own Daniel Day Lewis playing a paraplegic, Dustin Hoffman playing an autistic savant and Tom Hanks playing a dim bloke as an esteemed actor playing something so outlandish to their profession that only the best can manage it. And as long as Hollywood exists, the least attractive looking performance will always win. The tuxedo’s act as a good counter-balance.

2) John Travolta is very Scientology

That Travolta’s an awful creep. He returned to the Oscar stage to bare the brunt of his crypto-racist name-stumbling of last year with Edina Menzel (or Adele Dazeem in Travolta-land). His only public appearances these days seem to be him making a total cretin out of himself, lending further credence to the idea that his ‘religon’ contorts it’s members perception of reality to the point it becomes a whimsical playground where they can act whatever way they want.

Yesterday evening his return was again characterized by odd behaviour, being overly tactile with his co-presenter and then taking to the red-carpet to lech over Scarlett Johansson.

It feels like only yesterday when he was the undisputed coolest man on the planet. In his head I’m sure he still is.

3) The Oscars is a graveyard for hosts

Okay, not really. Seth McFarlane and James Franco haven’t had to join the dole queue quite yet, but it’s nigh-on impossible to do be a good Oscars MC – clearly. It’s tough to put your finger on why, with such stellar names floundering on the stage in the past, it speaks volumes that even Neil Patrick Harris apparently can’t do the occasion justice. At this stage it is worth revisiting just how fucked James Franco was when he hosted with Anne Hathaway.

Despite chewing up most stages he’s ever stood on, Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t escape the wrath of Twitter-sphere as he was labelled ‘nervous’, ‘boring’ and ‘gay’ throughout his stint.

Make no mistake about it, Neil Patrick Harris is effing brilliant.

Next year, give it to Ryan Tubridy. Then watch Hollywood squirm.