It was revealed last night that Ireland has been voted the favourite ex-colony of the British Empire. The results were taken from a controversial question that was slipped into the last census in the United Kingdom. In an era of post-colonialism, the British Government are keen to know what its citizens are nostalgic for and Ireland seems to be part of that collective memory.

British officials said that they were not surprise with the results due to Ireland being her Majesty’s next-door neighbour, in terms of geographical location. The chairman of the United Kingdom’s census data told that, “Ireland has always been in the psyche of British culture. It was part of the United Kingdom for centuries, which affected how some Brits see the modest sized islanders as their own. The fact that the North is still part of the Kingdom is a little tease for some who wish to see Ireland united once more.”

“However, it should be noted that the Queen doesn’t care much for the Republic of Savages. When she visited Dublin back in 2010, she was appalled by the lack of personal hygiene standards that the average citizen aspired to.  In particular, she noted a strong stench of piss coming from the Harcourt Street area where many ‘clubs’ are located.”

“Her Majesty cares about the character of her citizens and would not like to see people like Larry Gogan or Mary Mitchell-O’Connor possessing a British passport in her lifetime. It’s bad enough that their unemployed flood our cities as it is, we don’t need to be putting them on the NHS as well.”

The Taoiseach Enda Kenny, welcomed the results of the British Census. He told reporters that, “After 800 years fighting for independence, we have spent the last 100 wondering what the British think about us. In reality, they think very little about us, but that does not stop us trying to make it known when we do all right in an international sports tournament or when we have a watchable show on RTÉ.”

The full census is available on the United Kingdom’s government website.