Two weeks ago, I went to Nando’s. I told them I was very important. I think they believed me.
To whom it may concern,
My name is Sorcha Donnelly-Kelly-Ní Cheallaigh and I’m a qualified wanker. To Nando’s, I brought a vegetarian and my own cutlery. One knife and fork JUST ISN’T ENOUGH NANDO’S. SORT IT OUT.
I have been to Nando’s a few times in my life. I tend to reserve the experience for family time [read: my Hurling mad solicitor brothers]. Before you attend, darling, know the decorum. Your conversation must be cheeky [read: squirrel your food in your bulbous cheeks as you talk]. Clicking your fingers doesn’t make your food come faster and calling the service abominable for being ‘from the counter’ is apparently not ‘grand’.
But my darling… this time was different was different. Nando’s St Andrew’s Street was shut down for the important few; an evening party for their new Sunset Burger. Being a triple barrelled last name girl, I’m a person who, by inference, is very important. An invite arrived in my inbox. This is how I ended up at an exclusive evening party at Nando’s.
Accompanied by my hand-picked vegetarian plus one, I walked up to the exceptionally trendy young lady at the door. St. Andrew’s Street is notoriously trendy mainly because it is located on St. Andrew’s Street. I informed her, I was exceptionally important. I once worked for the Trinity Alumni Office, I have a vegetarian friend and I own a beret. I also told her I had a press pass for Oxygen.ie to review their new Sunset Burger. That seemed to seal the deal. She obliged. I entered the premises unhindered.
I ascended the stairs, in a swirling motion reminding each of the staff members of my importance. I, Sorcha Kelly, was in Nando’s and my review could generally make or break the nation. My exceptionally awkward vegetarian friend followed and sheepishly asked if there was going to be any meat because meat is murder.
This is me. I am poised and ready to order. Jenny from PR comes over with a dashing smile. I like to think she gives me special treatment, not only because I ask for it, but because I clearly deserve it. After she leaves, we meet the exceptionally trendy Chris. We talk to Chris about our review and how we could make or break the nation. Chris understands. He’s wearing a sparkling skull shirt. He’s also got a dashing PR smile. I love Chris. After being papped for being exceptionally important, we are assigned Markus our server.
After causing a major scene over Vegetarian options for my hip beret wearing vegetarian friend, Markus flirtily delivered my exclusive press pack: the new and exciting Sunset Burger with fries and gorge corn on the cob.
After the initial confusion of eating my Sunset Burger with my ‘Sunset Burger’ designated knife and fork, I finally dove face first into a two-thigh-high, flame-grilled feast smothered in Smoky Red Pepper Chutney. (I promise this is not plagiarism, I didn’t get it from the press release at all).
This. Burger. Is. No. Joke. The. Best. Thing. That. Has. Ever. Happened. To. Me.
It has been topped with melted cheddar cheese. It’s served on a bed of baby spinach leaves and it lies beautifully inside a new soft, sweet roll – the Bolo do Caco.
Think about the newest 1975 album, ‘I Like It When You Sleep, for You Are So Beautiful yet So Unaware of It’ but address it to a burger. That was our relationship and it was beautiful.
Trendy DJs, cool competition winners, an elite guest list but I will always remember…
I am a serious, important, high class journalist. Read your books and eat your chips.
Sorcha Donnelly-Kelly-Ní Cheallaigh