Usually when you knock on someone’s door demanding some of their consumable possessions, you’ll be slapped up for attempted robbery; not so on the 31st of October. It has now become tradition to provide strangers, who arrive at your door bedecked in elaborate costumes, with delicious foods by way of recompense for them spending all of their money on expensive fabrics, prosthetics and, hopefully fake, blood, and who are thus unable to afford to feed themselves. Yet as ever, there are some absolute chancers out there, a proportion of unbelievable so-and-so’s, a proper gaggle of bastards who insist on bucking this trend and decide, rather than going for the usual fare of chocolates and sweets etc., to go off-piste with the treats they’re dishing out. Here’s a list of 10 of the worst things you can be given by these depraved boat-rockers.

1) Monkey Nuts:

Long have these beige oblongs been the bane of trick-or-treaters, particularly those with a crippling nut allergy. It can only reasonably be assumed that at least some proportion of the people giving these knobbly nuisances out have a serious vendetta against the nut-averse.

2) The Nuts Of A Monkey:

At best useless, at worst a messy intrusion in your trick-or-treat bag. These are either people who have English as a second-language and got some wires seriously crossed while trying to obtain item 1 on this list, or are just deplorable pranksters; whichever one it is, to get the nuts of a monkey, they’ve got some impressive contacts.

3) A VHS Copy Of The Director’s Cut Of Das Boot:

As my father used to always say, “Son, you’ve got to know your audience, now bring me an egg”. While only some of that still seems relevant- the bit about knowing your audience- it can be stated with near absolute certainty that the audience demographic the marketing team responsible for the release of the Director’s Cut of German U-Boat Thriller Das Boot were aiming for were not pre-pubscents variously kitted out as the undead.

4) A Photograph Of A Baker And His Nephews:
Photographs of family are some of the most wonderful and precious things we can own. Owning photographs of someone else’s family however, is downright creepy. If someone tries to pull the classic ‘give-you-a-photo-of-a-baker-and-his-nephews’ routine, calmly decline and call the relevant authorities.

5) A Seabird Covered In Crude Oil After An Oil-Spill:seabird-oil
While the political message behind this is admirable; that through our continued dependence on, and use of, fossil fuels we all to some extent share the responsibility for the disasters that frequently occur because of the oil trade, there are better times for this message to be hammered home. And carrying around a distressed squawking seabird covered in gak will put a dent in even the best laid Halloween plans.

6) A Clammy Handshake:

Of all the things on the list you could get, this has to be one of the worst. Not only are these cheapskates not prepared to fork out for any actual treats, but when they thrust out a hand to commend you on your costume, you go to take it, and suddenly you feel like you’re gripping some tepid beef. Appalling behaviour.

7) A Note Reminding You Of Your Own Mortality:

This, from experience can really put a dampner on your Halloween vibes.

8) The Butchered Remains Of An Elk:

While this may be an acceptable, even desirable gift in some of the Nordic countries, it seems woefully inappropriate to give to a bewildered child dressed as Elvis or a shepherd.

9) An In-Depth Book On Dutch Windmills:

You’ve seriously got to question the sanity of somebody stock-piling these with the sole intention of distributing them to children on Halloween.

10) Ainsley Harriott:

The logistics of caring for and looking after a television chef in his 50’s who is used to a high maintenance showbusiness lifestyle is simply an unrealistic burden to place on a child inexplicably wearing a binbag.

So there you have it, a run down of some of the worst tat that could find it’s way into your trick-or-treat bag this Halloween. If you do receive anything from roughly item 3 on the list down, your best bet is simply to dispose of your now irreversibly tarnished bag by burning it in a nearby field (excluding the handshake).

Rory McNab