There have been calls for the Irish government to employ stricter Visa controls in the wake of the news that the head of the extreme socially conservative religious group ‘The Catholic Church’ has planned a visit to Ireland in 2018.

A campaign to oppose the visit of ‘Pope Francis’, real name Jorge Mario Bergoglio, has since been set up. ‘Say Nope To The Pope’. A petition, begun by Dirk Precipice, an irate social media user who had a few hours to kill, has already gained over 100,000 signatures. Mr. Precipice had this to say on the matter, “Look, it is exactly this kind of liberal open-mindedness that led to Trump being elected. When will these bloody liberal types realise that people are sick to death of being forced to accept these religious nut-jobs in the name of tolerance. That’s not tolerance. ‘Tolerance’ is me not punching my dog, Bernie, on the snout when she does a shit on the rug; ‘tolerance’ isn’t letting some religious fanatic into the country who thinks that all them lot in Panti Bar or whatever are sinners.”

Mr. Precipice continued, “I used to work with a guy in the meat-packing plant who-…that’s not another reference to Panti Bar- used to rave about that god fella and everything. Said that he was being told what to do by him. Dya know what happened? He ended up killing his brother-in-law with a pepper-mill and trying to sell bags of his hair down at a car-boot-sale. They’re nutters. I’m worried that if this main ‘Pope’ fella ends up coming here, it’ll only serve to radicalise the moderate Catholicists, or whatever, who are already living here. Look, I’m not here to tell you what to think, but if you think that he has any right to come over here and tell you what to think then you’re wrong. So ‘Say Nope To The Pope’ alright?”**

A spokesperson for Pope Francis, released a statement to try and allay fears surrounding the visit, “The Pope just wants everyone to get along- except the gays; those seeking divorce; anyone needing an abortion; anyone who isn’t religious; anyone who is religious but is the wrong kind of religious; and… did I mention the gays? I did? Good. Apart from those people, who must fundamentally change their beliefs, actions and/or identities, or face eternal damnation, the Pope just wants everyone to get along.”

Enda Kenny, global sycophant and amateur impersonator of a cursed Victorian child, who invited the Pope to Ireland has asked the nation to pretend like it’s still the 1970’s so as to not upset the Pope when he arrives. As part of this initiative, crucifixes will be mailed around to every house in the country and any haircut more risqué than a short back and sides will by law have to be covered with a flat cap.

**Mr. Precipice’s campaign is currently embroiled in a costly legal struggle with the makers of hit reality wedding show Say Yes To The Dress for potential copyright infringement of their title’s format.

Rory McNab