Santa has upheld his claim to make his grotto a carbon neutral industry this year by switching to biofuel from human waste to punish those on the naughty list. Traditionally, those who have been misbehaving for the year usually receive a lump of coal from the man dressed in red. However, with the mounting pressure on businesses around the globe to go ‘green’, Santa has opted for a more environmentally friendly form of punishment and he claims to have a plentiful supply of the human waste ready to be dropped at any notice.
Human waste can be an excellent form of biofuel when utilised correctly. It produces methane which is a clean burning fuel and one that can be replenished naturally after a morning with the heavy scutters. Since Santa only empties his sack once a year, he has enough waste to distribute to those around the world. This will be good news for members of the Fine Gael and Labour parties, as they are expected to be inundated with lumps of shit this Christmas.
Santa used the new fuel source in a trial run last week after sending a suspicious package to the offices of Irish Water. The feedback was positive when the company announced that they received the package and the naughty boys and girls working there vowed to improve on their behaviour.
Santa’s spokesperson, Rudolf Reindeer, refused to comment on the switch to shit. In a brief statement he said, “Under the Magic Act 1850, we cannot disclose the inner workings of Santa’s activities. Punishment for revealing how he operates is being brought out back and shot in the head.”
Santa is expected to visit all homes on the morning of December 25th, like previous years.