An American teen has been admitted to hospital with stomach pains after swallowing a rolled-up pornographic magazine. Jordan Fletcher, 13, claimed he’d been inspired to ingest the magazine after reading an article on the Christian Post website which promised that consuming pornography caused people to become more sexually aggressive. He told doctors that he was eager to keep on top of the latest trends and didn’t want to come across as unassertive so he had immediately sought out the pornographic magazine after reading the article.

X-rays have enabled doctors to identify the magazine as a three-year old copy of ‘Juggs’ magazine. Speaking to reporters outside the hospital, Jordan’s father, Pete, said that he had no idea how his son had gotten his hands on the offending item (slight pun intended).

Apparently he’s been collecting them for some time; my wife found a whole pile of them at the bottom of my underpants drawer,” Mr Fletcher said. “I’ve no idea why he chose to keep them there, but what I do know is that I have never seen those magazines before,” he continued, stealing a quick glance across at his wife, who was staring into the middle-distance with her mouth tightly pursed.

Porn Consumption

An X-Ray of poor Jordan’s porn-addled digestive tract.

Dr Oliver Partridge, who has been closely monitoring young Jordan’s condition, told the press that the boy was in good spirits. “He seemed to be proud of the fact that he got the whole magazine in; he said it must have been at least a twelve-incher. He’s been heavily medicated, which means he can rest up pain-free. However,” he went on, casting a quick glance across at Mrs Fletcher, whose mouth was now pursed so tightly that she’d have struggled to ingest a magazine of any size, “We will be performing a small procedure to remove the obstruction before the digestive process takes its natural course. He was worried about the effect that would have on his future ability to perform anal.”

Dáire McNab