In wake of the recent dissolution of the Dáil, incumbent Taoiseach, Enda Kenny has spent most of his free time living in relative peace and quiet, however, approximately 24 hours ago, Gardaí and SWAT were forced to execute a daring rescue mission to ensure the safety of Mr. Kenny.

“Truthfully, I’ve never seen anything like it.”

Head of Mayo Garda division, Francis O’Donovan describes the event.

“Kenny called us, frantically raving about a series of doppelgängers and clones popping up in his native city of Castlebar.”

Although Gardaí attempted to calm Kenny down over the telephone, the former Taoiseach fled to his local family home in panic.

“This happens every time a general election comes round, Mr.Kenny just can’t seem to grasp the concept of photography.

We’re just glad he was in Mayo this time, last time during the elections he was residing in Louth. It took us weeks to convince him that there weren’t dozens of Gerry Adams’ clones stalking him.”

O’Donovan goes on to describe how upon reaching his home, Kenny quickly attempted to enter the safety of his panic-room.

“Mr.Kenny has a special room in his house for occasions such as this.

It was built after Kenny nearly lost his mind, believing he had lost his soul when he inadvertently ended up in a teenage girl’s selfie.

However, in his state of distress, Kenny mistook the downstairs toilet for his emergency chamber.

“This is when things started to go badly wrong. After entering the restroom, Kenny’s state of shock was elevated when he spotted his reflection in the bathroom mirror.”

O’Donovan then walked us through the details of the impromptu rescue mission.

“We wanted to avoid this at all costs, but unfortunately it was time to intervene.

We attempted to calm him down over the phone while the SWAT team prepared to move in, but to no avail.”

Ms. Annabeth Cohen, leader of Ireland’s SWAT division described the daring rescue operation.

“We wanted to avoid breaking down the door if at all possible, however Mr.Kenny likes to keep his keys buffed to a high mirror shine, and as such upon glancing at his keychain when asked to unlock the door, he saw his own distorted reflection, this only exacerbated the situation, and in his terror he flushed his keys down the toilet.”

Cohen then explained to us how they finally managed to extract Kenny from his lavatorial prison.

“We tried to explain our plan to break down the door, however as soon as we mentioned the word ‘plan’ Kenny got very excited, raving for hours about ‘Fine Gael’s five-point plan to recovery.’”

 After extensive deliberation, the SWAT team had no choice but to deploy chloroform gas, which was kindly donated by Gerry Adams, into the restroom.

“Once Kenny was asleep, we broke the door down and safely transported him to a local hospital where he is expected to make a full recovery before voting day.”

Fine Gael’s Michael Noonan has stated that he hopes this incident will not discourage the general populace from voting for Fine Gael.


Brían Mannion


Brían is an 18-year-old writer currently writing a novel, for more of his works and poetry you can check out his blog