1) Make your partner do all the work: Seriously, your partner knows what they want so let them do what they want and just lay there like a motionless fish, it’ll drive your partner crazy!

2) Avoid contraception: Babies and STIs are all the rage at the moment. Hopefully your partner can provide you with both but either one will do just fine too!

3) Be totally shy and nervous: No one likes a cocky sex-partner, don’t tell them when they’re doing something you don’t like, it might hurt your partner’s ego and nothing ruins the mood more than a damaged ego!

4) But also be a wild animal: Scream like a monkey, roar like a tiger, make the mating calls of a chorus frog! Sex is an animalistic act so embrace your inner animal and make as many freaky animal noises as you can to ensure your partner knows you’re having a good time!

5) Have a list of all the things you enjoy: An actual list. Give this to your partner before you make the beast with two backs to subtly let them know what they can do to turn you on. It saves you the awkwardness of having to articulate what you want.


Sex Tips

Make a clear list of what you’re looking for with your partner.

6) Accept fellatio, then tell them you hate doing it back: I mean, everyone loves getting a good licking but in reality no one wants to put sweaty bits of flesh in their mouth so why should your partner accept fellatio when you hate doing it? But for your own pleasure don’t actually tell them until after they’ve done it for you.

7) Leave nothing but your socks on: You’ll orgasm harder and everyone knows lingerie isn’t all that sexy and is totally uncomfortable. Nothing says “sexy as fuck” more than naked people wearing socks anyway.

8) Don’t kiss your partner during sex: It’s too intimate and might give the impression you actually like the person you’re having sex with; a little mystery goes a long way! Besides, everyone knows kissing is just the opening act for the main event.

9) Make sex last as long as possible: Talk to your partner about their day, ask how their family is doing, occasionally caw like a crow, do literally anything that will distract them from their impending orgasms to make sex drag on as long as possible.

10) If your partner asks you to squirt, just pee: They won’t know the difference, especially if you keep well hydrated before the act!

11) Always, always, always pee after sex: I’m not kidding, urinary tract infections are not fun. Maybe your partner likes being peed on and you can include it into your play-time.

Masturbate in front of your partner: And finish yourself off too; this will teach them how you like to be touched.

13) Don’t make eye contact, not even once: Everyone hates awkward eye contact!

Avoid eye contact with your partner at all costs, instead, why not stare at your dog.

14) Lie to them: If you don’t like toys but your partner does; tell them you like them too so you can be hog-tied while being whipped by leather straps and gagged by a large black ball. A little experimentation goes a long way and the more uncomfortable you feel, the more you should tell them you like it.

15) Tell your partner how you feel after: If you never want to see them again or if you think they’re “the one” then you must tell them immediately so no signals get crossed.

Fiona O’Kearney