Leading liberal third level facility, Mary Immaculate College has proposed “the implementation of a ban on all male students from answering “I’m grand” to the dreaded “how are you?” question in the next semester,” according to their censorship board.
The proposed ban which sources close to Oxygen.ie say will go ahead sparked outrage among the college’s Depression Deniers Association. A spokesman for the DDA spoke out to Oxygen.ie saying, “We’re grand. The lads like, not a bother on us. We’re confused as to what this malarkey is about. Emotions are for d’women. Like, imagine if you saw your Da cry. It is not natural. If something is wrong that’s what the few pints are for. Man up to fuck.”
The proposal was suggested after evidence from renowned psychiatrist, Dr. Norman Mac Tagart, showed that young lads who say “I’m grand” in 87% of the cases are in fact not grand. Shockingly, the scientific research that cost only €80 million, found that 79% of males between the ages of 18 and 25 that answered “I’m grand” were found to be extremely troubled or worried.
Depression Deniers Association have planned a protest this upcoming week outside the offices of the student counselling services. The protest will be based on a name and shame style agenda, with those troubled young men caught attending these services to be publicly shamed and their effigies to be burnt on the lawns of the college.
Swift action will be taken from the college’s censorship board to any male student heard responding with the words “I’m grand”. Dean of Arts Dr Francis O’Houlihan warned, “We will enforce this ban, we will punish those who break it. We will offer a mandatory cup of tea, free counselling and if necessary on the spot hugs- though I will not legally be allowed to provide these, for reasons I’m not currently allowed discuss….” He gallantly rallied, “We will not stop, until we’ve helped as many students as possible.”
Depression Deniers have feared that this may only be the beginning and to appease this sanction may put the risk of saying “I’m fine,” “not too bad now,” “not a bother” and “could be worse sure” under severe threat of extinction.
Eoghan Danaher