Trinity to be Stripped and Sold for Parts

trinityFollowing the recent announcement that Trinity College has continued its six-year downward trend on the Times Higher Education Rankings, it has been confirmed that Trinity is to be stripped and sold for parts.

Just back in 2008, Trinity commended respect not only in Ireland, but (sort-of) internationally too. That year, the once-respected-now-shamed institution came in 49th place worldwide. Students, graduates, and staff alike celebrated the prestigious honour, not once letting their holier-than-thou attitude waver.

Since then however, Trinity has been one of the only colleges in the country that has slipped again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again. Currently, there are just 16 embarrassing spaces between it & UCD.

Speaking to The Spanner, Trinity representative Benjamin Walsh confirmed the news.

“It’s true, unfortunately. We’ve known that this was inevitable for years. Annual meetings to discuss what future, if any, Trinity had have become the norm in recent years. But it was at this year’s meeting that we unanimously agreed that enough was enough. We’ve been flogging this dead horse for so long that we’ve become the butt of almost every joke worldwide”.

Mr. Walsh isn’t exaggerating either. A recent study conducted by UCD found that 98.7% of jokes worldwide were at the expense of Trinity’s reputation. Even US Presidential Hopeful Donald Trump recently took a shot at the former university, stating “We can make America great again. We can. It’s not like we’re Trinity College Dublin for fuck’s sake”.

When asked to comment on the rankings themselves, Mr. Walsh said that the rankings were “completely fabricated bullshit based on arbitrary criteria”, but also that Trinity “still ranks the highest in the country”. Dismissing the rankings as bullshit only to then use them as proof of Trinity’s superiority is common practice among those associated with the college.

The campus in its current form will be stripped down and sold to various construction companies early next year, and the land on which it was built will be salted, so that no life may ever thrive there again. Buckingham Palace confirmed that Queen Elizabeth’s grave will be opened so that her body may be turned the right way around.