The Syrian Government has announced plans to welcome and resettle U.S. refugees, pending the results of the U.S. Presidential Election, otherwise known as ‘The Destruction of the Western World, as Voted For by You!’TM.

It is expected that, in the event that the vaguely-human assemblage of rancid Billy Meat and merkins collectively known as Donald Trump is elected to the White House, a level of global migration on an unprecedented scale will be triggered. It is thought that millions of Americans are preparing to leave their homeland and seek pastures new, pending the results of the election.

A spokesperson for Bashir Al-Assad said, “it is up to all nations to follow suit and welcome into their borders these poor, troubled souls simply seeking a better life for themselves and their families. To turn a blind eye to the plight of these people, fleeing unspeakable adversity, is to be complicit in an act of cruelty for which the Syrian government does not want to be known. To do otherwise is inhumane. As such, we would just like to say to all U.S. refugees: ‘Syria welcomes you’.”

With pre-voting polls showing the two candidates to be unsettlingly close, many have already packed their belongings into boats in preparation for the anticipated exodus across the Atlantic. A rudimentary flotilla has gathered in Hudson Bay, New York featuring all manner of marine vehicles; from airboats brought up from Florida to hastily assembled rafts, including a tragic pontoon made from 17 blow-up dolls gaffer-taped to a surfboard.

Trump and Pence

Donald Trump and running mate Mike Pence pictured awaiting their make-up team backstage at a rally.

There have already been reports of vessels sinking in the frenzy, however, as people overburden their small crafts with as many of their earthly possessions as possible. Indeed, the confusion in priorities has grown to such an extent that one man was reported as having demanded his wife vacate his small vessel-an outboard motor attached to an inflatable couch-in order for him to fit a box of Kenan & Kel memorabilia alongside him for the journey.

One-time undecided voter, now flotilla-organiser, Ken Bone had this to say of the anticipated exodus: “Well, since we found out that Trump’s proposed Mexican border wall wasn’t actually to keep Mexicans out, but rather to prevent Americans fleeing, we knew it’d have to be by boat. And we’re very grateful to the Syrian government for offering us refuge. I mean however bad things might be over there, they’re nothing to what’ll happen here if he gets in.” Ken Bone, then stared down at the Donald Trump dollar bill he held in his hand, that the billionaire has released into circulation in anticipation of his election as president, before crumpling the paper in his fist and allowing it to fall into the ocean.

Trump Dollar

Worth less than the paper it’s printed on.

Mr. Bone adjusted himself upon his raft- a rocking horse strapped to a lilo-before continuing: “It’s not that we’re choosing to get off one sinking ship onto many smaller, also potentially sinking, ships. It’s more that we left a ship that was full of holes and flooding, and our way of trying to save it, as a nation, is to potentially appoint a man whose approach to improving things will be to fire all the people-usually underpaid minorities-working to patch these holes before going directly to the flooded part of the ship, pissing into it, then fleeing onto the sole remaining lifeboat, condemning all those left on board to drown in his own piss.” Mr. Bone glanced down at his home-made vessel and across the steely grey expanse of the open Atlantic. “We’d prefer to take our own chances.”

It is understood Mr. Trump has been in contact with the Syrian government to inquire about purchasing the construction rights to any refugee camp which may spring up to house fleeing U.S. citizens, saying, “It’ll be the best camp, such a good camp.”

Rory McNab