Where and Where Not to Shit in UCD

Looking for a toilet that provides security and comfort can be a frightening prospect on the campus that facilitates up to 20,000 students on a daily basis. We hope this guide will help you find the shitting hotspots that lie largely dormant on the UCD campus. We will also flag the no-go zones, so you won’t be caught out with your pants down with the dreaded turtle-head.

Where To Shit

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Now, finding a nice solid space to shit entails a check list. You need to ask yourself will the place be quiet. Also, will the sounds of other toilet users talking give you stage fright, but also that the bathroom is not too quiet so that the rest of the toilet users will not be laughing at your farting and inevitable plopping sounds. You want freedom to push gently and not to force a bowel movement in a caring environment. Here are the environments in UCD that facilitate these needs.

The president of the university’s private bathroom

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Located in the Tierney Building, if you are brave enough to climb the one flight of stairs to get to the golden water closet that has been mounted by the man himself, then welcome to the bathroom that gets our highest award. There is an urban legend that the toilet seat is heated 24/7 and the heating bill was the reason why the student bar closed last year. Not a bathroom stall that will have graffiti in it.

Arts Block Downstairs

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If danger is not what you are looking for in your daily bowel movement, then check out the toilets downstairs in the Arts Block. Among the lockers and the abandoned drama society room, there lies an abundance of rarely used (but highly maintained) bathrooms just waiting to be defiled with faeces and urine. Little to no good graffiti; a few sporadic, crudely drawn penises on the walls though.

The Sports Centre

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The newest edition to the elite toilets on campus. Clean, modern and spacious. You could let one rip and the smell would not reach the next cubicle for at least 45 seconds. That’s plenty of time for a ‘splash and dash’. The graffiti can be creative but is usually instantly removed.

Where Not To Shit

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There is nothing worse than turtle-heading and being in a toilet that is too loud, too cramped and full of people waiting for you to drop a load so they can laugh at the sound effects that will accompany the act of defecation.

Arts Block beside the Printers

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These toilets are normally overcrowded. You will more than likely face every man’s worst nightmare, waiting outside the cubicle while the urinals are all in use and you have nothing to do but to either stare at the ceiling or directly at the cubicle door. Decorum seems to go down with the flushing in this bathroom as the floors are 9 times out of 10 soaked in warm urine. This is definitely one bathroom you don’t want to use and if you do, it is only in the case of an impending sense of diarrhoea. Despite the dire conditions, there are some great artistic expressions in this bathroom.

Library

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This is an absolute no-go area by definition of the term. The reign of Librocop will ensure that there will be complete silence in the Library which means if you dare to disturb that silence by a loud bowel movement through the thin bathroom walls, you better prepare for the little mercy you will get from the man of steel. The Graffiti is non-existent in this bathroom due to Librocop.

Ag Science Building

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Do not enter under any circumstances. If needs be, just shit your pants in public and swallow your pride. There is no explanation as to why these bathrooms are uninhabitable but all you should know is that they are. Thirty seconds in one cubicle and you will be envying Ewan McGregor’s character from Trainspotting for diving into a cleaner toilet. Unknown status about the graffiti situation here.

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