“Gotta Save €13bn Somehow,” Says Apple On Ditching Headphone Jack

Apple, manufacturers of consumer electronics and smugness, have been heavily criticised for their decision to ditch the headphone jack on the upcoming iPhone 7. It has been described as the worst news for lovers of ports since the bombing of Pearl Harbour.

One disappointed consumer on hearing news said, “Aww no. I loved that port, not in the way a man loves a woman, or in the way that some men love other men, or in the way that one man I knew loved a goat, but in a more platonic way. In the same way that you might love a painting or an egg.”

Apple initially stated that the motivation for the decision came from a need to move towards a ‘wireless future’- acknowledging that in these trying times of political, ecological and violent turmoil, humanity’s greatest threat remains the existence of wires. However, in the wake of the public outcry it has been revealed that there was an ulterior motive to the decision.

An Apple insider, Gustave Kuntpunt, had this to say; “Look, we owe those Irish €13bn, we don’t have that kind of money lying about, no one does. We had to cut corners somewhere. It was either lose the headphone Jack or reduce the level of Siri’s AI… we looked into it and if we did that, in order to save that kinda money, she’d, roughly, only have the same cognitive capabilities as a lobotomised horse. Now I don’t know about you, but I’d gladly lose a stupid headphone jack over having to carry around a lobotomised horse in my pocket.”

A presumably lobotomised horse.

The wireless headphones being offered by Apple as a solution, priced at $149, are seen to alienate many of their already cash-strapped consumers. When this was put to Mr. Kuntpunt, he replied, “I know they’re expensive and that people want to listen to music on their phone, but there are plenty of other ways to get music. For example, we’re trialling a service where you can call up Tim Cook, our CEO, and he will gently sing down the phone to you.”

After it was pointed out that Tim Cook’s musical repertoire is mostly limited to Enya songs sung in the traumatic falsetto of a pubescent child trapped down a well, Mr. Kuntpunt stated, “Well… You could maybe buy an iPod?… or just humming, what ever happened to humming?”

Tim Cook singing an impassioned version of Mustang Sally to a disgruntled Apple consumer.
Tim Cook singing an impassioned version of Mustang Sally to a disgruntled Apple consumer.

There is hope however that the plans may be overturned after the Dáil voted to contest the EU Commission’s ruling that the tech giant had to hand over the €13bn in unpaid tax. If the ruling is overturned then it is hoped that the funds could be used to restore the headphone jack.

Those TD’s who backed the appeal were recently seen leaving the Dáil, all wielding shiny new iPhones, smugly humming to themselves.

Rory McNab

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