New Talent Show Launched to Combat World Cup

With the World Cup well underway, the world’s most popular sporting event has monopolised the attention of television audiences worldwide. Across the pond, BBC and ITV continue to air matches, while at home in Ireland Dunphy and the boys are doing their usual stellar job.

One noticeable absentee from World Cup coverage is Sky Sports. While the television giants still enjoy an overwhelming domination on all sport coverage, including bull riding and drone racing, coverage of the World Cup is something that still alludes them (at least for the time being).

With this in mind, Sky Sports have decided to launch a new talent show to combat their waning viewing figures and will air from this week until the end of the World Cup. Set in the vein of Britain’s Got Talent with Jeff Stelling set to present alongside Dec, the show is set to target traditional ‘not-interested-in-the-f***ing-football’ demographic, namely wives and girlfriends. Bigwigs behind the new talent show have also managed to get the Britain’s Got Talent judges on board.

Lastly, whereas BGT contestants battle it out for a chance to perform in front of the royal family, the contestants in this new show will compete to perform in front of Wayne and Coleen Rooney. In anticipation for the show, Oxygen.ie has complied a list of the main things viewers can expect from the show.

  • Simon Cowell seems to have fallen on hard times. It would appear that the BGT creator has not updated his wardrobe since the early 2000s. Fan favourite Cowell who rose to fame as TV’s “Mr Nasty” now warrants the nickname due to his refusal to remove his 20-year-old white t-shirt.

 

  • The comic genius that is David Walliams will constantly flirt outrageously with good looking male contestants. This will be hilarious and not predictable or tiresome at all. The once mildly funny comic know for his series Little Britain has absolutely in no way turned into a tired caricature of himself.

 

  • The cameras will regularly show a close up of judge Amanda Holden crying at a divorced mother of 8 with no thumbs or job in order to show her human side. It’s really lovely. Former pop superstar Alesha Dixon will also often be shown laughing incessantly at a knock-knock joke or someone falling over, both during auditions and real life. Show’s producers have denied that this is to compensate for their sheer lack of personalities.

 

  • The judges will have “never seen anything like it”. No matter what the case, the judges will usually be awestruck at the 50th juggler auditioning for them that day. A fact which rather begs the question of why these people are even judges in the first place.

 

  • No matter what the contestant does on stage, as long as they are a small child or over 60, the audience and judges will patronisingly shower them with praise and love them regardless.

 

  • The competition and the chance to perform in front of the royal family (the Rooneys) “would be their dream come true”. This is especially true for 3-year-old Keith who has dreamt of it his whole life. Hailing from Scotland, the starry-eyed toddler has risen to modest fame through his YouTube channel which has now amassed 3 thousand subscribers. Among his most viewed videos are “I put spaghetti on my head” and “Keith falls asleep on the toilet”. “When we heard about Keith’s dream to enter the show, who were we to stand in his way”, his parents exclaimed. Well Keith, perhaps instead of focusing on your reality TV career you should work hard, got to college for 4 to 8 years, get saddled with a load of debt, fail to find employment and move back in with your parents… On second thought, best of luck with the showbiz, Keith.

 

  • There will be a special “golden buzzer” which we know is special because it is golden. The judges will press it if they think the auditionee deserves to go straight through to the live semi-finals. A factor which in absolutely no way influences the judge’s decision is the contestant’s back story. With auditions having already been recorded, Oxygen.ie can reveal that 80-year-old Jim received the golden buzzer for his rendition of “My Heart Will Go On” which he performed on the spoons. The Belfast native pulled at the judges’ heart strings when he recalled the tale of how he lost his dog and best friend Sprinkles: one evening he was out walking his canine companion when an anvil fell from a 20-story building and squished the dog flat.

 

  • The final will see Jim play an emotional rendition of the Leonard Cohen hit “Hallelujah” which he will dedicate to Sprinkles. Unfortunately for Jim, he has lost one of his spoons in a house fire so will be forced to play using just one. Not only that, but he has made the bold decision to play the song with his spoon on fire. “If this goes wrong, I could be in real danger”, he has told reporters. The viewers know when an act has a real threat of danger because the camera pans in on contestants talking before they go up on stage to perform. This is genuine and in no way contrived. Jim will then become the favourite to win.

 

  • “Do Not Try This at Home”. Millions of viewers will regularly be left in disappointment when the warning flashes across TV screens. They are set for disappointment again on World Cup final day when the final of the talent show will also air when Jim performs his flaming spoon. Last month while watching a particularly thrilling act on BGT, it was reported that avid viewer Mark from Swinford made for a particularly heart-breaking site when he was forced to reluctantly put away his shark tank and chainsaws. “Every bloody time…”, the husband and father of two sighed.

 

  • Finally, producers are reportedly worried ahead of the show’s first episode due to the fact that the judges have exhausted the show’s supply of the word “amazing”. There is particular concern around Holden and Dixon, as producers are unsure how either judge are going to rate acts without using the word “amazing”. It is thought that one or both judges may remain mute during the show, or indeed be replaced by a bucket of paint.

James Simcox

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