The three-day siege of Trinity Halls came to a brutal conclusion yesterday evening, as armed security broke through the last of student barricades and overpowered the remaining residents.

Patrick Donnelly, a second year English and Drama student, sustained heavy injuries during the confrontation. “I had my ladle in one hand and my pot lid in the other, but when the pigs broke through the door, a section collapsed, and I was trapped underneath a pile of toilet roll. It was horrible, being pinned down by all that cheap Tesco toilet paper.” Donnelly was quickly removed from the scene and taken to St. James’s Hospital, where his injuries are being examined in the psychiatric ward.

Public Affairs and Communications student, Siobhan Kearns was the next to leave the on- campus accommodation. She was seen limping out of the building, being escorted by two guards, but as soon as she saw this reporter, she straightened her posture, fixed her hair and pulled out some speaking notes from her jacket pocket.

“I would like to thank the dedicated staff at Trinity College Dublin for their continued support of students at this time of uncertainty. I would also like to reassure all concerned individuals that I will continue to provide content on my Instagram, Tik Tok and Twitter,” Kearns said. She had to be physically restrained as security applied a surgical mask before she could spout her witty sign-off.

A third, unidentified student was heard howling “you can’t send me back. Nobody knows I’m from Mayo, they’ll never let me graduate now.” The hysteria was cut short by gun shots from inside the building. Trinity College is offering free counselling to all students, with full health insurance, affected by having a person from Mayo living among them.

Head of Security, Laurence Quigley-Smith, reassured parents, in an email seen by this reporter, that the selection process for Trinity Halls is incredibly thorough and a breach of this nature is not a regular occurrence.

Dr Patrick Prendergast, President of Trinity College spoke briefly of the coordinated attempts by his security team to secure the building. “We understand that this is a scary time for the families of many of our students, which is why I think the best place for students is to be self-isolating at home, they bum me out just looking at them.”

When asked what he had planned to do with the residences, he replied, “we’ve received some very attractive offers for the use of a private quarantine zone. One of our benefactors, a Mister Prime Minister Boris Johnson has offered to take the whole property off our hands for the time being, while he and his daughter and their team of professional bodyguards recuperate.” Dr Prendergast then burst into flames at the mention of the “refunds?”