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YouTube to replace all videos with man describing videos

Video website YouTube has shocked web users everywhere by announcing that they will no longer allow users to upload and stream videos, and will instead demand they be submitted for “processing and audio conversion”.

Rather than see a particular video, users will hear a synopsis of the video read by Stewart Macintosh (54), a rambling, opinionated Scottish man with an incomprehensible accent and a monotone voice.

“Aye so there’s this man sitting at a wee piano. In a hoose. The wallpaper’s green. Ah think. Actually it might be turquoise. Or what’s that weird colour that’s really trendy these days? Seal? Eel? Teal, aye, that’s the one. It’s pure dead funny because the cat’s playing the piano. Which is mad. Because Cats are usually much more talented at wind instruments. Ye ken? oboes and tubas and the like. Oh did ah say it’s a man? No it isnae a man, it’s a moggy likes.”

YouTube have rejected criticism the change was “mentaller than Dana on mushrooms” or that the entire process was a consequence of some hilarious high-stakes technology billionaire game of truth or dare.

They did also reveal however that the website would be rebranded StewTube in the near future and that Bill Gates didn’t get the shift until he was 29.

“Our users are smart, literate but above all narcissistic,” said a spokesbot. “Most people don’t really want to watch videos any more, they just want to talk about them to show off how hip they are.

“This cuts out the middle man and gives people exactly what they want. Sort of. Our market research also tells us that one of our users’ favourite things to post is footage of sports with terrible songs obscuring the commentary so we’ll probably introduce an option to do that to Stewart soon too.”

 

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