Aries

Mar 21 – Apr 19 

Just as you’ve always suspected, it is in fact offensive, and possibly against the law, to use your particular method of “sealing the deal with a date”. Watch out for that this week, Aries.

Taurus

Apr 20 – May 20

The moon is in Cancer, and love is in the air for you. You will find yourself torn between two choices of people to shift! On one who is kind, sound, gas craic, supportive, and loving … and one who is good lookin’.

Gemini

Apr 21 – Jun 20 

Finally! True love will show up in your life without warning next week, spin you around, take your breath away, leave you dizzy, make you fall over and put your knee out of place, and then it will run away so that it doesn’t have to pay the hospital bills.

Cancer

Jun 21 – Jul 22

Leo

Jul 23 – Aug 22

Oh, wow Leo, next week is going to be something else for you! Really. It’s just an awful pity we can’t see what “something else” means in this case.

Virgo

Aug 23 – Sep 22

The stars predict that food will materialize in your fridge, if you open the door ten times really quickly without blinking.

Libra

Sep 23 – Aug 22

Libra, you’ve always believed that it’s our experiences that make us who we are. However, does that explain why you are still stuck in that sh*t part time job you hate?

Scorpio

Aug 23 – Nov 21

It’sin your nature to do what you want, Scorpio, but maybe you shouldn’t slide into so many snapchat side bars this week.

Sagittarius

Nov 22 – Dec 21

A messenger from the Lord will appear to you in glory this this week and, in a voice that shakes your student accommodation, will announce that you’ve been swiping right to the wrong people all this time.

Capricorn

Dec 22- Jan 19

Mars and Venus will both appear in your sign this week, as will that actor you like from that Netflix series, you know your man? Sure he’s in everything these days!

Aquarius

Jan 20 – Feb 18

The problem is not that you are stuck in your own head, Aquarius. The problem is that you are stuck in the 90s.

Pisces

Feb 19 – Mar 20

This is a good time to make aggressive moves in your romantic life, but not too aggressive. Remember the last time, with the hurl….