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Vatican issues official ‘meh whatever’ response to clerical abuse

The Catholic Church has issued its long awaited official response to the Ryan and Murphy reports into child clerical abuse in Ireland.

Standing on the solid gold steps of the Pope’s summer palace in the Phoenix Park papal nuncio Fondleo Del Bambinos solemnly shrugged his shoulders and in a thick New Jersey accent said “What ya gonna do ya mooks? Fuggedaboutit.”

When questioned by journalists about the seemingly unapologetic attitude of Irish bishops who have been named and shamed for helping to cover up abuse Del Bambinos was similarly unrepentant.
“Listen buddy we are the self appointed representatives of God on earth and we have more money than the love child of Bill Gates and The Queen of England ” he said.

“What exactly makes you think we don’t have the right to fiddle children? If I wanted to I could have you all burned as witches right now. Everyone knows the main cause of paedophilia is sexy kids anyway.”

Pope Benedict former Hitler Youth member and the song writing genius behind 90’s one hit wonder Whigfield (Saturday Night) is believed to suspect a giant conspiracy by the Jews in which children abuse themselves and then wrongly accuse priests to earn lucrative newspaper deals.

When pressed for a state response on the issue Minister for Church State relations Jenni Flecked said that the government were “doing all we can but ultimately De Valera established us a Catholic dictatorship and therefore they can do what they like.

"Everyone knows that the only reason we pretend to have laws at all is to keep the E.U. happy while they’re signing the cheques. You don’t want a situation where protestant lesbians can have abortions for breakfast do you?”

Flecked added that there are no plans to establish state / church separation in the area of education saying “despite one or two minor hiccups giving the clergy control of schools and easy access to children seems to have worked well. For them anyway.”
 

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Miami named most miserable U.S. city

(Reuters) - Warm sun, white beaches, and million-dollar mansions notwithstanding, Miami has captured the dubious distinction of being the most miserable city in the United States, according to a new poll.

The playground of the rich and famous is home to a crippling housing crisis, one of the highest crime rates in the country, and lengthy daily commutes for workers, all of which have propelled it to the No. 1 position in the Forbes.com list.

"Miami has sun and beautiful weather but other things make people miserable. You have this two-tier society: glitzy South Beach attracts celebrities, but the income inequality has skyrocketed in recent years," explained Forbes Senior Editor Kurt Badenhausen.

The rankings are based on factors including jobless rates, violent crime, foreclosures, income and property taxes, as well as considerations like weather, commute time and political corruption.

Reeling for decades from the decline of the U.S. auto industry, Michigan's troubled duo of Detroit and Flint registered at No. 2 and No. 3, respectively, among the most miserable cities.

"Detroit and Flint are struggling," said Badenhausen. "Violent crime is highest in the country in Detroit; housing prices are down 55 percent. Detroit is closing schools and laying off policemen. In recent years they have been demolishing houses to change their city landscapes"

West Palm Beach, Florida and Sacramento, California rounded out the top five cities.

"We're trying to judge cities where residents have a lot of complaints. It doesn't mean that there aren't terrific things there," he said.

And for the haves Miami's charms remain undiminished.

"The one percent in Miami is doing fantastic. But for the vast majority, who make less than $75,000 (a year), Miami can be a challenging place," he said. "Forty-seven percent of homeowners sit on underwater mortgages. That's tough."