The Catholic Church has issued its long awaited official response to the Ryan and Murphy reports into child clerical abuse in Ireland.

Standing on the solid gold steps of the Pope’s summer palace in the Phoenix Park papal nuncio Fondleo Del Bambinos solemnly shrugged his shoulders and in a thick New Jersey accent said “What ya gonna do ya mooks? Fuggedaboutit.”

When questioned by journalists about the seemingly unapologetic attitude of Irish bishops who have been named and shamed for helping to cover up abuse Del Bambinos was similarly unrepentant.
“Listen buddy we are the self appointed representatives of God on earth and we have more money than the love child of Bill Gates and The Queen of England ” he said.

“What exactly makes you think we don’t have the right to fiddle children? If I wanted to I could have you all burned as witches right now. Everyone knows the main cause of paedophilia is sexy kids anyway.”

Pope Benedict former Hitler Youth member and the song writing genius behind 90’s one hit wonder Whigfield (Saturday Night) is believed to suspect a giant conspiracy by the Jews in which children abuse themselves and then wrongly accuse priests to earn lucrative newspaper deals.

When pressed for a state response on the issue Minister for Church State relations Jenni Flecked said that the government were “doing all we can but ultimately De Valera established us a Catholic dictatorship and therefore they can do what they like.

"Everyone knows that the only reason we pretend to have laws at all is to keep the E.U. happy while they’re signing the cheques. You don’t want a situation where protestant lesbians can have abortions for breakfast do you?”

Flecked added that there are no plans to establish state / church separation in the area of education saying “despite one or two minor hiccups giving the clergy control of schools and easy access to children seems to have worked well. For them anyway.”
 

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