Having negotiated weeks of complex debate and bureaucratic red tape, the UN have finally hammered out an agreement that could clear the way for a ‘no-Gadaffi zone’ in the embattled state of Libya. Having originally set their sights on a ‘no-fly zone’, which would have allowed strikes to take place on all military and communication targets connected with Libyan air space, Western leaders decided that such a narrow definition might not be sufficient to protect innocent civilians in the region and so amended the phrasing of the resolution to include “anything that looks scary” and “anyone who looks at us funny.”

The French were among the most vocal supporters of the resolution and were quick to offer military assistance. Just two weeks ago, French President Nicolas Sarkozy raised eyebrows by formally recognising the Libyan rebels as the official government of the country — though experts close to the President have called his judgment on that day into question given that he also claimed to recognize the independence of Eurasia, Absurdistan, August Bank Holiday Island, and the People’s Republic of Cork.
Critics of the resolution have claimed that France are merely trying to exorcize their military demons by chalking up an easy victory against a beleaguered journeyman opponent, but President Sarkozy has been quick to refute such accusations. “Gone are the days when you can make jokes about French military history simply by typing the words “French military victories” into Google and then clicking ‘I’m feeling lucky’, we are a proud military nation once again and sometimes you have to defeat a North African country with a population one tenth the size of your own to prove that!” proclaimed Sarkozy at a press conference in Paris before being informed that the Google trick still works so long as you turn off the ‘Google Instant’ search function.

News of the resolution has had far-reaching economic effects. There was a flurry of activity in bookmakers across Europe and the Arab world when news of the impending French attacks broke, with Paddy Power offering generous odds of 5-1 on a French surrender inside the first four weeks of conflict. Shares in white flags also rallied on news of the assault, ironically boosting the economies of nations such as Pakistan, where many of these flags are produced.

A spokesperson for the UN said “this is only the beginning. Once we have dealt with Gadaffi, we will move on to Northern Ireland to assist the Real IRA in their battle against the evil power-sharing overlords of Stormont, then it’s off to Sri Lanka to resurrect the Tamil Tigers, and finally to Afghanistan, where we will fight against ourselves in a bid to return sovereignty to the Afghan people.”

In other news, the Arab League have established a ‘hide-and-seek-zone’ in and around the UN headquarters with representatives of the league mysteriously vanishing over recent days despite originally being quite vocal in their support of military action in the Libyan region. Sources close to the UN have suggested that their recent absence may be down to the fact that many of these Arab League nations have protestors of their own to slaughter back home.

-Johnny McGee