For anyone who have been hibernating under a rock: there is a film series based on vampire mythology named Twilight currently causing mass hysteria throughout the western world.

Features of the cult following involve dressing up in gothic costume, affecting the unctuous accent and talking about it incessantly.

The sexualisation of the series by the wailing groupies this week took a step too far, however, as a group of girls discovered that the reality of vampires is far removed from the fictional portrayal.

Zany and her friends from Balintubur last week journeyed to Transylvania in a daft attempt to woo a real-life vampire who would then whisk them into the lap of luxury.

They had been deluded into associating ''chiselled six-pack abs'' and ''emphatic aura'' with the native vampires of the historical Romanian province, and had pre-arranged to meet the choiciest ''pale hunks'' through a dodgy dating site.

They were quickly disabused of these silly notions, however, on their arrival at Transylvania International Airport, where they were confronted by three ‘‘fat, ailing, gypsies’’ on a donkey-drawn cart.

‘‘It was nothing like we imagined,’’ explained Zany. ‘‘There was a hot, fetid smell in the air that I could only liken to a skunk’s arse, and we broke into sweat immediately from the discomfort.’’

The rogue ‘‘vampires’’ quickly became aware of their visitors’ alarm, and tried to sooth them by offering them freshly-licked rollies.

‘‘What wrong?’’ blurted one of them. ‘‘This vampire! We vampire! You come to our khouse on top of khill and we make party. Many wodka in khouse,’’ he explained through a leering grin.

‘‘There was no way I was getting to onto that bandy old cart,’’ said Zany. ‘‘I mean who knows where they would have taken us?’’

The girls made a run for it and checked into an Inn on a barren stretch of dirt track, where they remained for the entirety of their stay in Transylvania, counting down the days until they could return to their human boyfriends.

‘‘I get it now, ’’ admitted Zany. ‘‘The construction of the vampires in the Twilight films are a metaphor for the idealization of our female sexual fantasies, which we should clearly not be duped by, as this is a traditional technique used in the arts.’’
 
Paul Morrissey