Soooo, the final instalment is upon us (well almost), the deliciously dreamy vampire and incredibly bland klutz of a girl tie the knot. It’s the wedding of the century everyone has been waiting for (move over Kate Middleton, your time has passed). 

I can now safely admit that everyone (as in all the girls, the fellas were already asleep) had a collective intake of breath in anticipation of the nuptials. As usual, Kristen Stewart was her usually stiff self and this fulfilled all expectations of Bella’s pre-wedding jitters. She makes a most excellent corpse bride (yep, she’s that stiff) for her equally lifeless partner (at least he’s meant to be that way). 

After that, it’s off on a lovely sunny honeymoon to consummate the marriage. I must compliment Breaking Dawn on one thing, it has finally progressed from a series of “I love you” “I love you more, now bite me” to something a little bit more interesting. Of course, you think I mean sex, coitus, or whatever you call it and it certainly does.

Moreover, after 108 years of waiting, Edward does not fail to impress us and Stewart does not fail to impress by acting like a plank of wood in a wig. Edward comments that after the honeymoon “the first year is the hardest”.

As Edward is perfect in every single way he is quite right, suddenly the movie becomes focused on Bella’s pregnancy and the unknown thing inside of her. Unfortunately, it’s less “Lalalaala! Glowing with motherhood!” and more the Texas Chainsaw Massacre of Bella’s innards. Cue realising that vampires also need to play it safe and wear protection, or a shower curtain, whatever works. Like the ad goes, “it only takes one supernatural demon sperm”. 

By far, it is one of the most gruesome and gut wrenching of all the movies and not because every other character is trying to carry Stewart’s complete lack of acting skills but through the physical mutilation Bella’s body undergoes. Stewart’s most convincing moments rest on her determination to keep hold of the baby (thing/demon monster child). 

Between moments of the Anti-Christ trying to make its great escape, we see Jacob fight his with his own inner turmoil. His love for Bella ultimately tearing himself and his awesomely hot wolf pack apart. Of course, if you have read the books you’ll know that the thing (spawn of Satan) finally decides to make its grand entrance, potentially threatening Bella’s life.

What’s Right With It?
The dress, the dress, the DRESS! Ok, I’m done setting the feminist movement back twenty years with a rant over a piece of material. Credit MUST be given for a variety of things throughout the movie. (Fear not, criticism will follow). Robert Pattinson has certainly improved his performance and now has the only displays 32 facial expressions per second rather than the 72 he previously conveyed.

His acting is wonderfully convincing during the honeymoon period and he seems genuinely frightened at hurting Bella with his astounding strength (could also be the shock at realising he’s meant to be heterosexual, no more “hiking trips” with Emmet and Jasper for you). Upon the discovery that the evil comes from within Bella; Edward’s reaction is perfect. He has the exact expression you would expect from a dumbstruck teen (not really a teen I suppose) that’d just knocked someone up.

As usual, Taylor Lautner as Jacob has an enchanting performance (no, it is not because he took his top off… So what if it is?!!) His role as the scorned love fool not only adds real emotion to the movie but he has the air of someone singing “Dontcha wish your boyfriend was hot like me” throughout. The CGI team do an amazing job of turning Stewart into an emaciated shell of herself (lack of personality intact).

Unlike previous films where Bella suffered a series of unfortunate events, throughout this movie we see her rather slow and painful decline, something that deeply excited Twi-hards during the movie. The thought that Edward could go back on the market was getting them a bit angsty at one stage and one went as far as to say “Yeah, you stupid bitch” when Bella discovers she’s broken a few ribs.

Who needs enemies when you have delusional friends who would happily see you starve if it meant that a fictional 108-year-old dead dude was freed up...? The special effects have come a long way not only with the vampires but also with the wolf pack (YUM!) You can see every incisor in their furry, snarling, snapping faces... N’awh. Eye candy is never far from sight, which is necessary when Kristen Stewart is trying to personify a thunderstorm.

The wolf pack is visually stunning and in combination with Emmet and Taylor Lautner, you’ll be left drooling in your seats. Peripheral characters like Rosalie and Jessica also make most excellent bitches which is a refreshing change from Bella and Alice’s “Bless our cotton socks” demeanour, especially in a movie where your child tries to eat you from the inside out.

What’s Wrong With It?
Besides Kristen Stewart having the emotional range of a slightly damp sponge and Robert Pattinson trying to convey every emotion possible at the one time? The chemistry between them mumbles “meh” especially when compared to that of Stewart and Lautner. Stewart’s acting reaches excellence when she lies dead on the operating table (even then she’s a bit too stiff).

At times, the CGI exceeds its need. Bella’s pregnancy is slightly too horrific at times and there is a moment where every bone is visible, making you regret eating your Doritos and Coke in such haste... Every single cut, bruise and bite is made visible to the audience. I’m always worried how movies will portray pregnancy, will they over glamourize it, making young girls thinking it is a beautiful, natural experience. No worries there then.

Even the labour is an unnecessarily messy experience. The woman next to me made a disgusted face and murmured she was going to be sick. Enter Taylor Lautner and she was fiiiiiine again. There were also major mistakes and sloppy efforts on the part of the crew... Watch the scene before the wedding ceremony, Alice puts a clip into Bella’s hair four consecutive times without ever having to remove it once...

I know vampires are fast but you’re fooling no one. Some serious moments are drastically overshadowed by unintentional humour. When Bella takes her first sip of blood it’s supposed to represent her dehumanisation, instead all I was thinking was “Crap, why didn’t anyone tell her she had something on her teeth!”

In addition, I must pick a bone with the amount of product placement. Ok fair enough, Bella uses Tampax but did she have to use a Clearblue pregnancy test? Ok the Clearblue part was a joke. But do all the vamps really need MacBooks and it seems all too convenient that when Edward wants to research previous demon children that he uses Yahoo! Maybe him desperately googling “how do I get out a demon spawn child” would have ruined the moment.

The soundtrack was also a killer, the Twilight OST was an exceptional mix of Muse and Paramore but as it has progressed, it has dropped some epic artists in exchange for relative unknowns. Whilst I'm all for backing the underdog, the rock/indie roots have been exchanged for Bruno Mars' weepy tones. Seriously, we have enough of that "love lost" vibe from Jacob and the ever-moody Edward. The lack of Muse was the biggest shocker, especially when they have influenced Meyer’s work so heavily.

Verdict:
An exceptional book to film adaption. Hot fellas + tops off= exceptional. Uninspired acting ability and emotional range of a teaspoon= K-Stew. Even while they may have chopped out many of the essentials (Muse, anyone?) there are some epic moments and acting. I'll give it 7 fangs out of 10.

Elaine McDonald