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Trouble in RTE camp as pundits sent home

I said what?

Even without Roy Keane around, it seems Ireland can still court controversy at the World Cup as it emerged that several members of the RTE commentary team have been disciplined by rookie manager Darragh 'Nervous Giggle' Moloney.

Scottish hard man Graeme Souness was the first to feel Moloney's gentle wrath, after he commented that Serbian defender Nemanja Vidic had been 'raped' by Spanish striker Fernando Torres in previous meetings between the two players. (This actually happened, see the clip here!)

"We'd like to apologise if anyone was offended by Graeme's comments," said Darragh hurriedly. "What Graeme in fact meant to say was 'It's a lot easier to contain and massacre a load of Bosnian Muslims, than it is to contain an attack with Spain's quality."

Morale in RTE’s commentary camp has been further hit with the news that Eamon ‘Insincere controversial statement’ Dunphy has been disciplined for a severe lack of footballing knowledge.

An angry RTE insider has revealed that the Dunph has earned the censure of his colleagues after a shambolic display of punditry before the Australia Germany tie, which was won 4-0 by the master race.

“Eamo was giving it all ‘These new German players are no use. The Aussies are great’ before the game, and ended up admitting afterwards that he didn’t really know what he was talking about. Didi Hamann was trying so hard not to giggle, his novelty scouse wig nearly fell off.

“Spoofing your way through commentary isn’t that hard for f*ck’s sake, it’s called the internet Eamo, take a couple of hours out of your socialising schedule and read up on some football!”

Meanwhile Ray Houghton’s voice was last night boarding a flight home to Dublin after a brief, but controversial stay at the World Cup.

Having initially been pencilled in to cover many of the games in South Africa, Houghton’s voice didn’t turn up for work on Friday and angered RTE bosses further by being AWOL on both Saturday and Sunday.

It's thought the decision was made somewhat easier following the verbal love-making of the Gabriel Egan/Damien Richardson commentary team.

Rumours emerging from the nightclubs of Johannesburg suggest Houghton's voice was spotted partying in the company of Robert Green’s Ball Handling Skills and Henry’s Sense Of Shame on Friday night, but as yet none of the trio have reported for duty at the tournament.

The upshot is Irish football fans will now be denied hearing such commentary gems as “I think Ireland would have acquilted themselves quite well” and “I don’t like talking about my goal against Italy, but … ha ha! I almost said that with a straight face". It’s now hoped Ryle Nugent’s irritating snarl is considering a solidarity walk-out. 

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Miami named most miserable U.S. city

(Reuters) - Warm sun, white beaches, and million-dollar mansions notwithstanding, Miami has captured the dubious distinction of being the most miserable city in the United States, according to a new poll.

The playground of the rich and famous is home to a crippling housing crisis, one of the highest crime rates in the country, and lengthy daily commutes for workers, all of which have propelled it to the No. 1 position in the Forbes.com list.

"Miami has sun and beautiful weather but other things make people miserable. You have this two-tier society: glitzy South Beach attracts celebrities, but the income inequality has skyrocketed in recent years," explained Forbes Senior Editor Kurt Badenhausen.

The rankings are based on factors including jobless rates, violent crime, foreclosures, income and property taxes, as well as considerations like weather, commute time and political corruption.

Reeling for decades from the decline of the U.S. auto industry, Michigan's troubled duo of Detroit and Flint registered at No. 2 and No. 3, respectively, among the most miserable cities.

"Detroit and Flint are struggling," said Badenhausen. "Violent crime is highest in the country in Detroit; housing prices are down 55 percent. Detroit is closing schools and laying off policemen. In recent years they have been demolishing houses to change their city landscapes"

West Palm Beach, Florida and Sacramento, California rounded out the top five cities.

"We're trying to judge cities where residents have a lot of complaints. It doesn't mean that there aren't terrific things there," he said.

And for the haves Miami's charms remain undiminished.

"The one percent in Miami is doing fantastic. But for the vast majority, who make less than $75,000 (a year), Miami can be a challenging place," he said. "Forty-seven percent of homeowners sit on underwater mortgages. That's tough."