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Tony Blair admits Iraq invaded ‘for a laugh’ after lost bet

Former Prime Minister of Britain Tony 'Mad Eyes' Blair stunned the world today, as he admitted that his country only participated in the invasion of Iraq because he lost a bet over a video game with George Bush.

Blair, speaking to the Chilcot inquiry in London, which has been set up to investigate the events which led to war, admitted that he was fully aware that the war had been illegal but that he was bound by honour to join former US of muthacu*kin A Presidente George W in the military campaign.

“We were kicking back in the White House during one of my visits,” said Blair. “We’d had a few beers, swapped stories of being evil and then ended up playing Call of Duty for money.

“George noticed how much I was enjoying it and suggested that a real war might be even more fun. So we made a bet. If he won the next game Britain would help invade Iraq, and if I won then he would have Hollywood ‘actors’ Martin Lawrence, Rob Schneider and Sandra Bullock publicly executed. Seemed like a risk worth taking to me.

‘Then Cheney joined in and got me with a sniper rifle headshot. Cheating bastard. Still a bet’s a bet and it was a good laugh anyway.

Blair scoffed at suggestions the estimated 100,000+ dead might disagree, stating “Ain’t no dead fool saying nothing about nothing. It’s their own fault for being the same religion as Osama and having lots of oil."

Blair, crazy eyes shining manically, then told the assembled crowd “I still believe we did the right thing. Saddam Hussein had to be stopped. Never mind oppressing his own people or plotting to build WMDs, his real crime was to send me a text every day mocking my inability to grow facial hair.

“Well I don’t care if I can’t grow a tache” shouted Blair, now on his feet and gesticulating wildly. “Those face pubes didn’t help you escape the hangman’s noose did they Beardy? Muah ha ha ha...”

 

Calm was restored after the former PM was shown an artist's sketch of himself and God playing table tennis. Blair was winning.

Blair’s testimony will continue tomorrow, when he is expected to detail conversations held with a magical Lion in a cupboard, which were apparently instrumental in persuading him of the need to go to war.

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Miami named most miserable U.S. city

(Reuters) - Warm sun, white beaches, and million-dollar mansions notwithstanding, Miami has captured the dubious distinction of being the most miserable city in the United States, according to a new poll.

The playground of the rich and famous is home to a crippling housing crisis, one of the highest crime rates in the country, and lengthy daily commutes for workers, all of which have propelled it to the No. 1 position in the Forbes.com list.

"Miami has sun and beautiful weather but other things make people miserable. You have this two-tier society: glitzy South Beach attracts celebrities, but the income inequality has skyrocketed in recent years," explained Forbes Senior Editor Kurt Badenhausen.

The rankings are based on factors including jobless rates, violent crime, foreclosures, income and property taxes, as well as considerations like weather, commute time and political corruption.

Reeling for decades from the decline of the U.S. auto industry, Michigan's troubled duo of Detroit and Flint registered at No. 2 and No. 3, respectively, among the most miserable cities.

"Detroit and Flint are struggling," said Badenhausen. "Violent crime is highest in the country in Detroit; housing prices are down 55 percent. Detroit is closing schools and laying off policemen. In recent years they have been demolishing houses to change their city landscapes"

West Palm Beach, Florida and Sacramento, California rounded out the top five cities.

"We're trying to judge cities where residents have a lot of complaints. It doesn't mean that there aren't terrific things there," he said.

And for the haves Miami's charms remain undiminished.

"The one percent in Miami is doing fantastic. But for the vast majority, who make less than $75,000 (a year), Miami can be a challenging place," he said. "Forty-seven percent of homeowners sit on underwater mortgages. That's tough."