While the majority of the country breaths a frustrated sigh of relief that the planned Garda Strike has been called off, allowing crime levels to continue as normal, certain people were less than happy with the news.
“They’ve what?” Nigel Parsons, the Neighbourhood Watch Co-Ordinator of Harrow Road, Killiney, solemnly lowered the binoculars from his eyes, “But… but, how could they do this to me, to the Neighbourhood Watch. It was our time to shine.”
Once the hot, salty tears of Nigel Parsons had started to subside, he continued, “I’d spent so long preparing, we all had. We thought that, when the strike came, we’d have our chance to prove our worth to the world as the criminals and burglars came up against the unstoppable might of the Neighbourhood Watch. We would show that we are not here to be ridiculed, but feared,” before once more lapsing into uncontrollable sobs.
It is understood that, in an effort to prepare his neighbourhood for the descent into chaotic lawlessness that would inevitably follow a reduction in Garda services, Mr. Parsons held classes on the construction of improvised prison-style weaponry. However, Mr. Parsons, after several altercations with the Gardaí, was questioned on the legality of running a sort of artisanal munitions factory. He was eventually issued with a cease and desist order after one of his elderly students was found aggressively waving a rolling pin with thumb-tacks gaffer-taped to it at some trolleys in a local supermarket.
“I just wanted everyone to be as ready as I was,” said Mr. Parsons of the incident. “I’ve spent every hour of the last few weeks preparing; testing how long I could look through my binoculars for without blinking until I lost consciousness; doing thrice nightly drills with my family to try cut down the time it’d take, if we were being burgled, to escape to the high-security bunker I’ve had installed (a double-locked garden shed surrounded by a sort of rudimentary moat made of several children’s paddling pools).”
“It’s honestly a wonder how my wife has put up with me,” joked Mr. Parsons, “but she’s gotten as much in the spirit as I have. It’s great, she’s been spending more and more time with her personal trainer down the gym, no doubt buffing up in case we have to confront a burglar. Actually, she’s even thought about what we’d do if we had to apprehend a burglar and do a citizens arrest because I found a pair of handcuffs in her gym bag there. She’d obviously had them for a while as they were covered in a strange sort of fibrous dust, I spent a good two hours with the Wilkinson Sword shaving off most of the fluff, and they’re pretty much good to go.” Mr. Parsons then picked up his thermos of tea and trimmed handcuffs, and retreated back indoors.
When Ms. Oonagh Buckley, Director General of the Workplace Relations Commission, was asked where the extra funds were sourced to make an improved pay offer to the Gardaí, she was quoted as saying that “The Revenue Commission have been swimming in it since that gak torpedo washed up in Clare last week, they made a fortune off it.”
A marathon 12-hour omnibus episode of RTE’s Crimecall planned for Saturday has been scrapped following the cancellation of the strike.