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Thierry Henry implicated in string of Tiger kidnappings
THIERRYTIGER200

French footballing cheat and Irish public enemy number one Thierry Henry has been identified by Gardai as the main suspect in a string of recent tiger kidnappings around the country.

The outlaw Henry responded by releasing a provocative statemtent through his lawyers, in which he acknowledged committing the crimes but absolved himself of any responsibility, claiming the onus was on the authorities to enforce the law correctly.

“Je suis pas le Garda bud,” said the Barcelona striker cum basketball player. “If Le bleedin Garda didn’t see it, I didn’t do it. Know worra mee-un?”

“The fairest thing would probably be for me to be in the Joy, but at the end of le day, Je ne suis pas le judge like.”

Tiger kidnappings involve the family of a bank official being locked in their house with a live Tiger, who is encouraged to eat them in the event of a ransom not being paid.

Henry has been tried once before, but the case collapsed due to the inadmissibility of video evidence. Minister for Justice, Dermot ‘The Sneer’ Ahern, said that calling for a retrial could prove problematic.

“I think we’d all like to see a retrial,” said The Sneer. “However if we retry Henry we may be forced to revisit other historical precedents. Like 1916 for example. What if we lost that on a technicality eh, do you really want the Brits back in? Because that’s exactly what you’re suggesting.

The Irish public have been venting their outrage at Henry’s blatant handball foul in a number of Facebook groups, with pages such as “Thank God I found this outlet for my impotent rage” and “I’m not racist but we should definitely Jack Lynch him like” each attracting more members than there are Irish people in the world.

After the poor attendance at a protest march to the French embassy last weekend, organisers have vowed to come up with a new more effective approach. This Saturday protesters will let the air out of the tyres of every Renault car in the country, while simultaneously shaving themselves with Wilkinson Sword razors. That’ll show them.

In completely unrelated news:
Roy Keane launches verbal assualt on Roy Keane
Government to build Ark, no French allowed
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Irishman makes "billion-euro home" of shredded notes

(Reuters) - An unemployed Irish artist has built a home from the shredded remains of 1.4 billion euros ($1.82 billion), a monument to the "madness" he says has been wrought on Ireland by the single currency, from a spectacular construction boom to a wrenching bust.

Frank Buckley built the apartment in the lobby of a Dublin office building that has lain vacant since its completion four years ago at the peak of an ill-fated construction boom, using bricks of shredded euro notes he borrowed from Ireland's national mint.

"It's a reflection of the whole madness that gripped us," Buckley said of what he calls his "billion-euro home."

"People were pouring billions into buildings now worth nothing," he said. "I wanted to create something from nothing."

A wave of cheap credit flowed into Ireland in the early 2000s after Ireland joined the currency zone fuelling a huge property bubble that transformed the country.

The bubble's collapse since 2007 plunged Ireland into the deepest recession in the industrialized world, forcing the former "Celtic Tiger" to accept a humiliating bailout from the EU and the IMF.

Buckley was given a 100 percent mortgage at the peak of the boom to buy a 365,000 euro home on the far reaches of Dublin's commuter belt, despite the fact he had no steady income.

He has separated from his wife who lives in the home, which has since lost at least one-third of its value.

Living in his "billion euro home" since the start of December, Buckley is working on adding a kitchen to the living room and hall.

The walls and floor are covered in euro shreddings and the house is so warm Buckley sleeps without a blanket.

Pictures made from notes and coins decorate the walls, including one of a house, made from Irish 5 pence pieces.

"There are houses in Ireland worth less than that," Buckley quips.

Buckley said he wants Europe's politicians to solve the eurozone debt crisis without destroying its currency. But if the currency ultimately fails, he will happily use the euro zone's defunct notes as fodder for future projects.

"Whatever you say about the euro, it's a great insulator."