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The Spanner's Xmas Scab Guide

Christmas wasn't going to be much fun in the Civil Servant family


It’s hard enough making that measly grant / dole money stretch to fags, drink and a full time coke habit without the added drain on the resources that is Christmas.


Suddenly, all the people that spend the rest of the year annoying you expect to be bought presents, entranced by decorations and gorged on expensive chocolates. The Bastards.

Fear not fellow scrooges, The Spanner is here to make your recession tinged Christmas celebrations that little bit easier on the wallet. It’s our Spanner Xmas Scab guide!

 

 

Break up with your girlfriend / boyfriend

Whatever about getting away with buying shit thoughtless presents for your blood relations, come on down Easons 2 for 1 book offer and Aldi brand whisky, if you are fortunate enough to have a significant other they will expect love, thought and above all cash, to be expended on choosing the perfect gift for them. Especially if they’re a girl. Balls.

What better way to get around this dilemma than by suggesting ‘a break’ timed strategically to last the approximately two week length of the Christmas period! You can even have a sly hack at their mates you’ve always fancied in the meantime.

If you’re really stuck for cash you can try and stretch this out until after Valentine’s Day, thus avoiding the need to purchase lingerie, roses, chocolates etc. Though at this point Karma will almost certainly have bitten you on the hole and they’ll be riding your former best friend.

PROS: Biggest spending eliminated, single while everyone is falling round nightclubs

CONS: Possible heartbreak, missing out on whatever they were going to get you

 

 

 

 

DIY Christmas Tree

Why hand over 30 or 40 squids for a tree to some gouger who’s only gone up the mountains and chopped them down anyway? Cut out the middle man and get out that axe yourself! If you’re fortunate enough to live in a civilised urban part of the country, use your imagination and get that lovely tree from your neighbour’s garden. Better off not keeping it in the window though.

PROS: Free!

CONS: Illegal, May look shit if not a pine tree, may result in fisticuffs with the neighbours if you steal theirs.

 

Think of the fun you'll have getting all those bottles together...


Spanner Guest writer Winona Ryder shares her Xmas tips

Steal your presents

A DVD for your sister, a sports autobiography for your Dad, 6 months worth of valium for your oul one, these traditional gifts don’t come cheap. But what if there was a magical place where all of the above could simultaneously be obtained for free...

Luckily, there is! The last gift of the Celtic Tiger, before he officially became extinct , was to scar our beautiful island with innumerable shopping centres, each a more nauseating beacon of British high street blandness than its predecessor.

But taste and a unique shopping experience aren’t the priorities here, free presents are! So put on your stealing gloves and heaviest coat, the one with all those ‘extra’ hidden pockets and grab yourself a five finger discount at your best local retailers.

PROS: Free stuff, adrenaline rush when security guards give chase

CONS: Possible imprisonment, social isolation

 

Make your own alcohol

One of the main costs of the Irish Christmas experience is, let’s face it, de gargle. Drinking copious amounts of alcohol is pretty much the only sane way to respond to being stuck in the company of your family for a few days.

You can save a few quid by invoking the spirit of your ancestors and setting up a poteen still in the back garden. A few kilos worth of spuds will have you fighting the devil and telling chairs you love them in no time!

PROS: Cheap, maintaining tradition, get drunk quickly

CONS: Possible blindness, severe liver damage, death

 

 


DIY Poteen kit - Available at all good stores now


Mmm brains...

Replace Turkey and Ham with sliced Turkey and Ham

There’s a good reason that so many Christmas specialities (Christmas cake, sprouts, mince pies etc.) are only eaten at this time of year. Because they’re shite. Well think about it, if they were so nice you’d be having them slightly more often than on an annual basis wouldn’t you?

One staple that we just can’t knock though is the traditional Turkey and Ham. The only slight problem being that they’re a little on the pricey side.

There’s an easy solution however. Go to your local supermarket and invest in a few packets of ‘Turkey and Ham’ slices. Now with only 79% brains! Though this limp, pale imitation of meat isn’t really fit for human consumption you can at least use it to stuff your ears when the inevitable row over which shit movie the family will watch next breaks out.

PROS: Ehhhh…

CONS: It’s really minging. Like worse than Brian Cowen’s uglier sister on a bad day. Never eat this shit. Ever.

 

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In completely unrelated news:
The Spanner Top 10 Bad Santas
Simon Cowell to launch new reality show 'Freak Idol'
Spanner TV - Highly inappropriate Christmas toy

 

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Miami named most miserable U.S. city

(Reuters) - Warm sun, white beaches, and million-dollar mansions notwithstanding, Miami has captured the dubious distinction of being the most miserable city in the United States, according to a new poll.

The playground of the rich and famous is home to a crippling housing crisis, one of the highest crime rates in the country, and lengthy daily commutes for workers, all of which have propelled it to the No. 1 position in the Forbes.com list.

"Miami has sun and beautiful weather but other things make people miserable. You have this two-tier society: glitzy South Beach attracts celebrities, but the income inequality has skyrocketed in recent years," explained Forbes Senior Editor Kurt Badenhausen.

The rankings are based on factors including jobless rates, violent crime, foreclosures, income and property taxes, as well as considerations like weather, commute time and political corruption.

Reeling for decades from the decline of the U.S. auto industry, Michigan's troubled duo of Detroit and Flint registered at No. 2 and No. 3, respectively, among the most miserable cities.

"Detroit and Flint are struggling," said Badenhausen. "Violent crime is highest in the country in Detroit; housing prices are down 55 percent. Detroit is closing schools and laying off policemen. In recent years they have been demolishing houses to change their city landscapes"

West Palm Beach, Florida and Sacramento, California rounded out the top five cities.

"We're trying to judge cities where residents have a lot of complaints. It doesn't mean that there aren't terrific things there," he said.

And for the haves Miami's charms remain undiminished.

"The one percent in Miami is doing fantastic. But for the vast majority, who make less than $75,000 (a year), Miami can be a challenging place," he said. "Forty-seven percent of homeowners sit on underwater mortgages. That's tough."