Christmas wasn't going to be much fun in the Civil Servant family
It’s hard enough making that measly grant / dole money stretch to fags, drink and a full time coke habit without the added drain on the resources that is Christmas.
Suddenly, all the people that spend the rest of the year annoying you expect to be bought presents, entranced by decorations and gorged on expensive chocolates. The Bastards.
Fear not fellow scrooges, The Spanner is here to make your recession tinged Christmas celebrations that little bit easier on the wallet. It’s our Spanner Xmas Scab guide!
Break up with your girlfriend / boyfriend
Whatever about getting away with buying shit thoughtless presents for your blood relations, come on down Easons 2 for 1 book offer and Aldi brand whisky, if you are fortunate enough to have a significant other they will expect love, thought and above all cash, to be expended on choosing the perfect gift for them. Especially if they’re a girl. Balls.
What better way to get around this dilemma than by suggesting ‘a break’ timed strategically to last the approximately two week length of the Christmas period! You can even have a sly hack at their mates you’ve always fancied in the meantime.
If you’re really stuck for cash you can try and stretch this out until after Valentine’s Day, thus avoiding the need to purchase lingerie, roses, chocolates etc. Though at this point Karma will almost certainly have bitten you on the hole and they’ll be riding your former best friend.
PROS: Biggest spending eliminated, single while everyone is falling round nightclubs
CONS: Possible heartbreak, missing out on whatever they were going to get you
DIY Christmas Tree
Why hand over 30 or 40 squids for a tree to some gouger who’s only gone up the mountains and chopped them down anyway? Cut out the middle man and get out that axe yourself! If you’re fortunate enough to live in a civilised urban part of the country, use your imagination and get that lovely tree from your neighbour’s garden. Better off not keeping it in the window though.
PROS: Free!
CONS: Illegal, May look shit if not a pine tree, may result in fisticuffs with the neighbours if you steal theirs.
Spanner Guest writer Winona Ryder shares her Xmas tips
Steal your presents
A DVD for your sister, a sports autobiography for your Dad, 6 months worth of valium for your oul one, these traditional gifts don’t come cheap. But what if there was a magical place where all of the above could simultaneously be obtained for free...
Luckily, there is! The last gift of the Celtic Tiger, before he officially became extinct , was to scar our beautiful island with innumerable shopping centres, each a more nauseating beacon of British high street blandness than its predecessor.
But taste and a unique shopping experience aren’t the priorities here, free presents are! So put on your stealing gloves and heaviest coat, the one with all those ‘extra’ hidden pockets and grab yourself a five finger discount at your best local retailers.
PROS: Free stuff, adrenaline rush when security guards give chase
CONS: Possible imprisonment, social isolation
Make your own alcohol
One of the main costs of the Irish Christmas experience is, let’s face it, de gargle. Drinking copious amounts of alcohol is pretty much the only sane way to respond to being stuck in the company of your family for a few days.
You can save a few quid by invoking the spirit of your ancestors and setting up a poteen still in the back garden. A few kilos worth of spuds will have you fighting the devil and telling chairs you love them in no time!
PROS: Cheap, maintaining tradition, get drunk quickly
CONS: Possible blindness, severe liver damage, death
DIY Poteen kit - Available at all good stores now
Mmm brains...
Replace Turkey and Ham with sliced Turkey and Ham
There’s a good reason that so many Christmas specialities (Christmas cake, sprouts, mince pies etc.) are only eaten at this time of year. Because they’re shite. Well think about it, if they were so nice you’d be having them slightly more often than on an annual basis wouldn’t you?
One staple that we just can’t knock though is the traditional Turkey and Ham. The only slight problem being that they’re a little on the pricey side.
There’s an easy solution however. Go to your local supermarket and invest in a few packets of ‘Turkey and Ham’ slices. Now with only 79% brains! Though this limp, pale imitation of meat isn’t really fit for human consumption you can at least use it to stuff your ears when the inevitable row over which shit movie the family will watch next breaks out.
PROS: Ehhhh…
CONS: It’s really minging. Like worse than Brian Cowen’s uglier sister on a bad day. Never eat this shit. Ever.
There's no better way to spoil a session of the ancient art of yoga than unexpected flatulence...
Overpaid sports stars sicken supporter
(Reuters) A New Jersey man was jailed for up to three months on Friday for making himself vomit on a fellow spectator at a baseball game.
Matthew Clemmens, 21, was sent to prison for at least 30 days, given two years probation, and ordered to serve 50 hours of community service, and pay $315 in restitution after the incident.
"Clemmens pleaded guilty to making himself throw up on a young girl at a Phillies game," the district attorney's office said in a statement.
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