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The Spanner's Valentine's Day Gift Guide

St. Valentine was apparently a Roman priest who was executed for marrying soldiers against the wishes of the government. Not to each other like. It’s not the Greeks we're talking about.

The Romans just didn’t want girls distracting the legionnaires by talking about Eastenders when they were supposed to be concentrating on raping and pillaging is all, which is perfectly understandable if you ask us.

And so today, this troublesome cleric’s devotion to romance is marked by millions worldwide, as they seek redemption for a year of lazy contempt and emotional neglect by buying an imitation plastic rose and a box LIDL chocolates. Lovely.

But if you’ve been a particularly useless partner, and have spent the last twelve months farting in bed and drunkenly shagging your other half’s more attractive friends then you’ll need something a little more special. You, dear friend, need The Spanner’s Valentine’s Day gift guide.


no pressure love

For your Girlfriend

Women like to know that their partner appreciates them for the beautiful , sensual, creature they truly are.Make sure your girlfriend knows you’re thinking about her appearance with some of the following thoughtful presents.

A copy of FHM’s 100 sexiest women provides a handy list of celebrities she should try to look more like. Though assure her that you can always close your eyes and pretend if she can’t afford the plastic surgery.

Gym membership and a portable scales will ensure she never piles on the pounds. Though if she’s on the idle side you might have to resort to casually leaving step by step guides to bulimia around the house.

Of course it’s not all about looks. Keep her entertained with a subscription to Sky Sports and an Xbox. Better get both FIFA and Pro Evo till you find out which she prefers.

Lastly, keep things spicy in the bedroom by gifting her the saucy ‘Blow job gold card’ which generously gives her the option of pleasuring you orally whenever she wants, no questions asked.

 


For your Boyfriend


Men like practical, useful gifts. Get him an egg timer and explain that when making love he should try to withhold orgasm at least until the 3 minutes have passed. A diagram of techniques that worked for your previous, more skilled and attractive boyfriends can also be useful in spicing things up in the bedroom.

Reward especially passionate, tender moments with complimentary comparisons like ‘Wow that was almost as nice as with ‘Ex boyfriend’s name.’

The male of the species are also famously committed to recognising their weakeness and eliminating them. So obviously your boyfriend would like nothing better than getting the benefit of the insight of your favourite women’s magazines. He’ll be engrossed in articles like ‘How to stop your man being a useless lazy prick’ and ‘The Clitoris – do we need to draw you a map?’ in no time.

Lastly, all men are secret romantics, no matter how boorish and crude they may pretend to be. Nothing will impress a boyfriend more than a detailed plan of your future life together including sketches of your wedding dress, names for the children and a blacklist of friends and pastimes he can forget about ever seeing again. Perfect.


close your eyes and think of Brian Cowen naked. That should help


I've got a feeling, that tonight's gonna be a messy night

For your Mother / Father

No one over the age of five should give their parents a Valentine’s Day card. Unless your surname is Fritzl. It’s just weird. End of.

For your Single Friend

It’s not much fun being single on Valentine’s Day. Why should singletons have the failure to find love rubbed in their face, just to swell the pockets of the greeting card industry?

Because they must understand that the hideous ugliness and lack of charisma that drove any potential partner away can not be allowed to infiltrate the gene pool. That’s why.

But hey, there’s no need to rub their face in it. So you should get them a naggin of the cheapest nashty alcohol you can find and pay for a taxi to the nearest opportunistic nightclub’s ‘Valentine’s Ball’

But once they’ve dropped anchor in that sweaty sea of drunken desperation, be prepared to cover the cost of the morning after pill / lice cream the next day. That’s what real friendship is all about.

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Miami named most miserable U.S. city

(Reuters) - Warm sun, white beaches, and million-dollar mansions notwithstanding, Miami has captured the dubious distinction of being the most miserable city in the United States, according to a new poll.

The playground of the rich and famous is home to a crippling housing crisis, one of the highest crime rates in the country, and lengthy daily commutes for workers, all of which have propelled it to the No. 1 position in the Forbes.com list.

"Miami has sun and beautiful weather but other things make people miserable. You have this two-tier society: glitzy South Beach attracts celebrities, but the income inequality has skyrocketed in recent years," explained Forbes Senior Editor Kurt Badenhausen.

The rankings are based on factors including jobless rates, violent crime, foreclosures, income and property taxes, as well as considerations like weather, commute time and political corruption.

Reeling for decades from the decline of the U.S. auto industry, Michigan's troubled duo of Detroit and Flint registered at No. 2 and No. 3, respectively, among the most miserable cities.

"Detroit and Flint are struggling," said Badenhausen. "Violent crime is highest in the country in Detroit; housing prices are down 55 percent. Detroit is closing schools and laying off policemen. In recent years they have been demolishing houses to change their city landscapes"

West Palm Beach, Florida and Sacramento, California rounded out the top five cities.

"We're trying to judge cities where residents have a lot of complaints. It doesn't mean that there aren't terrific things there," he said.

And for the haves Miami's charms remain undiminished.

"The one percent in Miami is doing fantastic. But for the vast majority, who make less than $75,000 (a year), Miami can be a challenging place," he said. "Forty-seven percent of homeowners sit on underwater mortgages. That's tough."