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The Spanner's 2010 predictions

Every morning at Spanner Towers we have a live animal sacrifice with our tea and toast. So we decided to put those entrails to good use and do a little forecasting for the year ahead. It's our 2010 predictions...

Politics

At home, those cheeky oul soldiers of destitution Fianna Failure will win a snap election caused by John Gormless' attempt to make organic tofu the staple food of Ireland. Despite unemployment of 124% (most of our emigrants are now on the dole abroad) and 13 years of disastrous rule, Biffo’s boys triumph after promising every citizen a pint and a bag of smokey bacon taytos upon re-election. Fine Gael oust leader Anden Kenny, blaming his decision to turn up for a key television debate in a cocktail dress as a major factor in the electoral defeat.

Citing threats of ‘Terror and uh shit...’ the world’s noble defender of freedom, the USA, will invade another middle-eastern country. Or at least one full of muslims. Just as long as it starts with I, ends in N and has RA in the middle. Iran is a good bet, not only because they’re mental but also as they are clearly harbouring IRA terrorists in the name of their country itself. As if we wouldn’t notice.

Pointless conflicts that will continue: Arabs vs Jews, Northern Taigs vs Northern Prods, Right wing Americans vs Rational thought

Technology

 

On November 1, facebook will become self aware. It will target its enemies, mankind, with a devastating barrage of fake nasty comments between friends. While the entire human race is busy squabbaling and posting embarrassing revenge videos online, facebook will quickly take over the world, ruling us through proxies trained on Mafia Wars and striking down troublemakers and resisters with devastating superpokes. The lucky ones will be dispatched to feed the slave population from the Farmville fields. The rest will be deactivated. Permanently.

Shit you will want to buy but won't because you're on the dole: fancy iphone / google phone, real life friends, robot slave / girlfriend.

Click here to read the 2010 predictions for Sport and Entertainment

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Miami named most miserable U.S. city

(Reuters) - Warm sun, white beaches, and million-dollar mansions notwithstanding, Miami has captured the dubious distinction of being the most miserable city in the United States, according to a new poll.

The playground of the rich and famous is home to a crippling housing crisis, one of the highest crime rates in the country, and lengthy daily commutes for workers, all of which have propelled it to the No. 1 position in the Forbes.com list.

"Miami has sun and beautiful weather but other things make people miserable. You have this two-tier society: glitzy South Beach attracts celebrities, but the income inequality has skyrocketed in recent years," explained Forbes Senior Editor Kurt Badenhausen.

The rankings are based on factors including jobless rates, violent crime, foreclosures, income and property taxes, as well as considerations like weather, commute time and political corruption.

Reeling for decades from the decline of the U.S. auto industry, Michigan's troubled duo of Detroit and Flint registered at No. 2 and No. 3, respectively, among the most miserable cities.

"Detroit and Flint are struggling," said Badenhausen. "Violent crime is highest in the country in Detroit; housing prices are down 55 percent. Detroit is closing schools and laying off policemen. In recent years they have been demolishing houses to change their city landscapes"

West Palm Beach, Florida and Sacramento, California rounded out the top five cities.

"We're trying to judge cities where residents have a lot of complaints. It doesn't mean that there aren't terrific things there," he said.

And for the haves Miami's charms remain undiminished.

"The one percent in Miami is doing fantastic. But for the vast majority, who make less than $75,000 (a year), Miami can be a challenging place," he said. "Forty-seven percent of homeowners sit on underwater mortgages. That's tough."