The intense Christmas work schedule took its toll on Santa's elves

Irish Christmas, just like Christmas in every other country in the world, is unique. Nowhere else is Christmas celebrated with such moaning, begrudgery, moaning begrudgery and binge drinking. So here’s The Spanner's definitive list of the 12 things that make Irish Christmas so grand.

1. You hide at home on the 8th of December or 'Culchie Go to Dublin Day' as hordes of unwashed boggers litter the streets of the capital. Dressed in their best GAA jersey and Wranglers they carry huge sacks of hang sandwiches and gawp at the electric street lights, saying “tis like magic, boy” to each other.

2. Fairytale of New York will be sung loudly, enthusiastically and badly by everyone, every night, for the month of December. This is despite the fact that noone knows anything other than the first verse and chorus, so the song never ends.

3. Dustin releases another novelty single but nobody really gives a shit because let’s be honest, we’re all a bit tired of that fucking turkey at this stage.

You say 'harmless Christmas custom', the law says 'Sexual assault'

4. You buy most of your presents from knacker-run stalls on Henry st that sell 'Generic Action Figures', stolen clothes and perfume that will most likely give you skin cancer.

5. You will get cornered and your tonsils assaulted by some creature under the mistletoe. Later on, you will do exactly the same thing to someone who thinks you are a creature.

6. After the Christmas Eve piss up you will be awoken by your family coming downstairs to find you’ve fought the Christmas tree, booted the Crib around the room and been intimate with the angel, ruining the day for your family.

7. You will be stuck between your two most elderly relatives at Christmas dinner and unable to block out their droning recitations of their varied colon-related issues and why they cannot eat any of the dinner. “Sure the sprouts won’t even touch the sides”

8. After consuming your own body weight in selection boxes you will collapse on the couch and find yourself unable to move as you have been wedged in by your auntie that smells like hospital and your uncle that burns your leg with the intensity of his farts.

Tubridy, won't pass the National Real Person test

9. You will meet many “hilarious characters” who will variously wish you “Happy Easter” “Happy Birthday” “Happy Some Internet Meme thing Day” because they are humourless shitebags.

10. You, along with the rest of the country, will be captivated in horror when you watch Ryan Tubridy try to act like a normal human being on The Toy Show. Once again he will fail and revert to his usual persona of creepy, ethereal, ghostlike robot.

11. You will piss yourself laughing at the passive aggressive boasting, petty one-upmanship and hilariously non-specific ethnic names in the annual Round Robin letter you get from those Americans you met that one time who think you’re related.

12. You will be delighted to note that Ireland becomes the least racist country in the world for the Christmas week when all the racists realize having people out working over Christmas because it’s not their culture to is actually, in the words of one prominent racist, “fucking handy as.”

Peter Murnane
themurnanifesto.wordpress.com