Empty classroom - jackpot

The primary school teacher at the centre of the ‘school with no students’ controversy has expressed regret over being reassigned to actual work, describing his former position as “every teacher’s idea of heaven”.

The last students at Clonkeen National School near Killarney moved on to secondary school in September but teacher Mossy Stone was left to work alone while the Department of Education made a decision on the school’s future.

“I was living the dream for a few months all right,” sighed Stone. “No matter what bollocks teachers tell you about the job being a vocation, the reality is we’re a glorified babysitting service.

“People complain about the length of teacher holidays but if we didn’t have the few months off away from the little shits there’d be murderous rampages on a weekly basis in schools.

“We used to sit around the staff room and joke about having no students but I never thought it would actually come true.

“When I say we, I mean myself and the school dog Keano. There wasn’t much call for two teachers in a three child school.

The political uproar over the perceived waste of taxpayers has led to Mossy being reassigned to a nearby school but Stone is philosophical about the change.

“Ah the thrill was wearing off anyhow,” he said. “The first couple of days I played football in the corridors and that was great. Then I pretended to be in The Shawshank Redemption and played a load of music through the intercom.

“Things started to get weird on my own after a while though. I dressed Keano up in a spare uniform and tried to teach him Irish but he didn’t understand me, he must have done Ulster Irish himself.

“The day the confirmation of the new job came through I’d given myself detention for throwing spitballs at the whiteboard so it was probably for the best really.”