Lectures: bullshit

An Irish student has made the stunning revelation that he is no longer attending lectures – just two months into his Bachelor of Arts degree in UCD.

Billy Barry, whose name has been changed to protect his anonymity, poured his heart out to The Spanner at a secret location, in a bid to warn other students against the scourge of ‘Realising college lectures are a crock of shite syndrome’ or CLOCS for short.

“I started out with the best of intentions, honestly I did,” said Barry. “I’m studying English and Psychology and for the first few weeks I was really into it. I read all the books and never missed a class, even the ones scheduled at 9am on Friday.

“The decline happened quite suddenly. I went for coffee with a couple of the lads instead of going to class one morning. When I met my classmate after she said that the lecturer had just read out his Powerpoint slides and that they were all online anyway.

“Then I started to realise all the tutorials were just the mature students trying to prove how smart they were by asking constant questions and PHD goons pretending to be lecturers so they wouldn’t be asked to actually try and get a real job.

“When you think about, why do you need an English course anyway? You can just get all the books and read the notes online if you want the wanky analysis of non-existent themes and metaphor.

“As for Psychology, I’ve just downloaded all of Derren Brown so I’m expecting that to be more illuminating than working out mathematical formulae for surveys.

Barry also revealed that he has yet to break the news of his CLOCS diagnosis to his parents.

“Although I’m now pretty sure that the real point of college is in fact to get wrecked as much as possible, make friends and try and copulate with every available female, I don’t think the folks are ready to accept that universal truth just yet,” he said. “They’d probably freak out and do something reactionary like stop giving me money.

“So for now, I’m living a lie, hopping on the 46a every morning to College and just enjoying myself in the bar or canteen until it’s time to go home. It’s no life really. I just hope that by sharing my story I can help others avoid the same pain I’ve experienced.”

If you think you or someone you know may be suffering from CLOCS email
ahangoveristhemostpracticallessonyoulleverget@theyhavetojustifythoselecturerssalariessomehow.ie