Stoners - Way less cooler than junkies

With cannabis having surpassed heroin as Ireland's 'most common problem drug' in 2010 - according to a recent scaremongering propaganda piece by The Irish Times - the number of consumers checking in to rehab and addiction clinics has sky-rocketed accordingly.

Addiction clinics are now swelling with neurotic pubescent teenagers, drama queens who
'got the green' after smoking a few joints while knacker drinking, glorifying in the notoriety this will gain them when they return to school after the Mock Exams.

Bong Makins, a Leaving Cert student, quickly became bored with the treatment, however, and revealed to The Spanner his experience in the clinic.

''I'd been on the shit for 3 whole weeks, totally fuckin' strung out I was; yeah, big time man.
I'd score a 10-spot down the town every week and get completely whacked 'ouvi', I'm talkin' laughies, giggles, munchies. You name it, I had it. One night a little leprechaun appeared on my shoulder doin' a jig, tellin' me things I don't even want to repeat.

"It was then I realised I had a problem. I was going to have to check in to rehab, and if that meant missing school, so be it.

"When I got there, the medics put me straight to bed. They said had I was lucky, had I left it another 24 hours.....it doesn't bear thinking about.

"I became hysterical when they confiscated my Monster Munch, they said I need to be weaned off that shit. They gave me a proper meal, veg an all man, the works.

"Next morning, though, there was a group therapy session; I was surrounded by addicts much further on than me.

''I realised I was wasting the time of health professionals who should be dealing with actual addicts, people with genuine problems rather than my lame addiction. Also, it dawned on me that hash is shit and a waste of time.

"I stayed one more night to see off the last of the paranoia comedown and then got the fuck out there.''

Paul Morrissey