Ireland’s sugar industry received a boost today with the government proudly announcing controversial plans to replace a Dublin City landmark with a much more traditional Irish phallic shaped object.

The Spire has been criticised, some would say harshly, since it first appeared in the smoggy skies of the capital in 2007. Ungracious nicknames have undermined the metal statue since its inception and finally, today, it seemed as if the cat-callers and tut-tuters would finally have their way and see the so-called Monument of Light torn from the sky.

Appearing in front of the throng of journalists gathered outside his residency in Dublin 2, the Fine Gael Leader had this to say on the matter;

“As Taoiseach, it is my mandate to work with and for the people of Ireland. That is why, in these times of economic, political and social unrest, the government must listen to its people; the people that fill our streets; the people that occupy our homes; the people that raise our children, our future; the people that run our businesses; the people that fill those businesses; the people who care for and respect this great nation that has fallen on hard times; the people that continue to believe and struggle every day to return this island to prosperity. I have listened to these people. That is why today, Wednesday the 24th of August, shall forever be known as the day that the people of Ireland had their victory. Today, we officially launch plans to replace The Spire with A Giant Stick of Rock.”

The Taoiseach failed to elaborate upon his statement and this reporter fears that important questions are left unanswered. It is unclear how a sugar based treat can be scaled to such a size as to be a suitable landmark for one of Europe’s most notable cities. The Minister of Finance moved to allay that fear, however, by clarifying that as Irish ovens were much too small to create such an object, work will be outsourced to Oslo, Sweden, where he stated they are “pioneers in large oven technology.”

Further, it is not certain whether a wrapper will cover the new monument, or whether the giant stick of rock will be left coverless and therefore risk getting kind of sticky and annoying at the bottom.

Stephen Culligan