Musical theatre still sh*t despite success of ‘Glee’

People with taste breathed a sigh of relief yesterday, as a spokesperson from the Department of Cultural Snobbery confirmed that despite the recent success of American television show ‘Glee’, musical theatre remains in their words ‘irredeemably, offensively, shite.’

“Adding a few ‘student stereotype’ laughs to High School Musical and making it a TV show is not sufficient to pardon this genre,” the Dept. Said in a statement. “Oh look, it’s a jock who really wants to sing. Ah ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha. Ha. Hmmmm.”

“Musical theatre has a long of list of culture crimes to answer for, including the insertion of unnecessary songs into perfectly good drama, i.e ‘I’m walking over here, I’m picking up my cup, I’m drinking my tea la la la’ and providing career opportunities to various losers who’ve been on Big Brother.”

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Teenage boy in hiding after mishearing radio announcement of ‘banking’ inquiry

Irish teen Micheal Tugger is missing, presumed masturbating furiously after apparently mishearing a report on radio about the proposed banking inquiry.

“He was in the kitchen eating his dinner,” said his mother, Bridie Tugger, while wiping away tears. “Then it came on the radio that were would be an inquiry into the banking scandal and that any bankers they caught would be in big trouble.

“He went white and asked me what I thought would be done to them. I said they’d probably be thrown in jail but if it was up to me I’d cut their balls off. We haven’t seen him since. It’s all my fault, SOB!”

Michael Tugger Senior seemed less upset by his son’s absence, remarking ‘the little wanker will turn up. He always does.’ Anyone who makes contact with Michael is asked to notify the Gardai and provide him with as many tissues as necessary.

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Vodafone proud to sponsor All-Ireland quarter finalists

Mobile phone company Vodafone have proudly announced a new 6 year sponsorship package with Dublin GAA, which is believed to be worth up to 5 million euro.

‘De Dubs’, known for their delusions of on pitch success, and irritating habit of delaying the start of matches, have a strong record of making the quarter finals and sometimes even semis of the All-Ireland football championship. But not the final. Or actually winning it. Since 1995. Jesus. 15 years. Long time.

‘We’re looking forward to making the journey as far as the quarter finals with The Dubs each summer’ said Vodafone marketing executive Ian Sleeve. ‘It would have been the easy option to go for a team who actually win trophies like Kerry or Kilkenny, but we decided to go for the plucky losers with the huge population base instead. It’s a heart-warming underdog story.’

Okay you can take a picture. But don't show your friends!

Saudi Arabia to rename Womens; Rights as Womens' Wrongs.

The government of Saudi Arabia has announced plans to relabel the Department of Women's Rights, an office/harem off the Department of Justice to the Department of Womens' Wrongs.

This move, which is deemed necessary according to strict Whabbist Islam teachings, is to prevent any misconception in Saudi society that women are not evil creatures.

“Having chosen not to be born as men, and not the same gender of the Prophet Mohammed or the King women have made themselves highly immoral beings” according to Sheik Yer Booty, the Saudi Justice Minister. “This just cannot be tolerated in modern Saudi Arabia.”

The new department will encourage Saudi women to wear the newly developed self lashing burkha, with extra whips. This is available in two unattractive colours, black and black. New “regressive” laws are also promised by S. Yer Booty in the area of honour killings.

For the first time ever a woman will have a choice in how to be killed, the traditional stoning or the newly proposed death by rusty scimitar.

Derwin Brennan

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