The Spanner can exclusively reveal the key plank of the Government’s new economic strategy – punitive taxes on internet users who use pornography and social networking websites.

Under a carefully hidden provision in this year’s budget, web surfers who use sites to watch free streamed pornographic videos would automatically be sent an annual tax bill, charging them 50c per visit to an adult site.

“It’s genius really,” said Minister for Helplessness in the Face of Financial Ruin, Brian Lendusahand. “We’ve got so many unemployed young men sitting around all day pulling the balls of themselves to youporn and the like.

“We thought ‘how can we make this orgy of masturbation work more proactively going forward for the economy?’ Tax it of course!”

Lendusahand was quick to deny accusations that social conservatism was behind the government’s new tax. “It’s not about punishing self-pleasurers at all,” he said. “In fact, if anything, we want people to do it more often so we can increase revenue. We’ll wank ourselves out of this recession yet!”

The Fianna Failure / Former Hippy coalition is also introducing a social networking levy, which will force Facebook and Bebo users (if there are still any) to pay a flat fee of 5c per interaction, whether it’s poking, commenting on a photo or even just stalking that hottie who used to be in your class.

Irritating users who post constant updates of their progress in games like Farmville and Mafia Wars will also face possible jail sentences or finger amputation.

A spokesperson for the Narcissists Federation of Ireland said that the levy would ‘discriminate against people who don’t have much of a real life but have to constantly be on Facebook to convince themselves how popular and brilliant they really are.”

Minister Lendusahand rejected the claims, stating “If nothing else, it should ensure that the people who spend the whole day on Facebook when they should be working will actually contribute something to the economy. Is nobody on myspace anymore at all then? No? Fine, be like that so. Ye’re just jealous because I’m in a band.”

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