It has been announced that Sky Sports will not broadcast the upcoming Premier League season nor cover any of the games on its news channel. Despite having a monopoly over the television rights to all Premier League games shown in Britain and Ireland, the broadcaster will instead focus its information feed on idle transfer speculation. Presenter, former love receptacle of Dec from Ant and Dec, and absolute babe, Georgie Thomspon, broke the news to the world this morning on Sky Sports News.

“Sky Sports has abandoned its planned schedule of Premier League games for the coming season. Due to the ever-increasing popularity of the summer transfer window, it has been decided that we will instead focus on such gossip year round.”

Thompson, reading a statement coming directly from the Sky Sports hierarchy and wearing a delightful black frock with an even more delightful plunging neckline, went on to tell of how the season would thus operate.

“As it will not be shown on television, the Premier League will now cease to exist as a footballing contest. Clubs will now operate a year round transfer window, buying and selling players with prices being based upon media hype and word of mouth.

“Clubs will profit from player hype and television revenue, just as they do now, without the annoying pretence of games or a league.

“As such, no football will be played. Now Sky customers and people in pubs can freely discuss their astute and cogent opinions without the hassle of having to watch ninety minutes of people kicking balls around on some grass.”

Within seconds of the announcement, the Twitterverse and blogosphere were abuzz. Many were enraged with Sky’s decision to have Georgie Thomspon rather than the wonderful up-and-comer Millie Clode deliver the big news. Others thought that Thompson was brilliant and was still worthy of being the face of Sky Sports.

The full extent of the Sky Sports overhaul has been revealed in a press release from BSkyB. Regular presenters Thompson, Clode, Charlotte Jackson and recent returnee Kirsty Gallacher will get Sky Sports 1, 2, 3 and 4 respectively. They will wear kinky outfits and relay transfer speculation intermittently, dancing seductively all the while, in glorious scratch and sniff 3D High Definition sponsored by Ford and Gillette.

Sky Sports News will feature what BSkyB are describing as “stereotypically laddish banter” between Jeff Stelling, Chris Kamara and a host of former footballers including “Champagne” Charlie Nicholas and “who-drank-all-the-champagne” Paul Merson These are people that the broadcaster feels have “laddish qualities that lads like.”

It is likely that the moves will facilitate Sky Sports’ rumoured desire to create football transfer based hardcore pornography, but that is yet to be officially confirmed.

Cathal Wogan