CBS has begged Charlie Sheen to come back to Two and a Half Men. After weeks of claiming “We will never take him back,” the channel has now announced that they were bluffing, really miss Charlie, and have been listening to a whole lot of Dido lately while trying to stop missing him.

The offer occurred just hours after Fox let slip that they would take Sheen on as part of their “we’ll take anyone to be honest, like” policy. Sheen is currently taking time out to respond to the offer made by CBS, after they admitted that they “couldn’t make a cent without Sheen” and that “nothing compares to you, Charlie”

CBS has already made several failed attempts to replace the on-screen alcoholic playboy, Charlie Harper. They have already held auditions with Woody Harrelson, Luke Perry, Matt Le Blanc and the guy who played Fred Elliot in Coronation Street to play Charlie’s cousin, drug dealer and old classmate, but without success.

“Most of them are good actors but the part was written for Charlie Sheen,” they said. “We have yet to find someone who drinks, parties and takes drugs the way Charlie Sheen does.”

With the final two episodes of Two and a Half Men pre-scandal aired on Comedy Central on Monday, March 28, it remains unknown if there will be any change to the hit series. However, speculation is growing that since the character Sheen plays is so close to his own reality, this whole ‘episode’ could indeed become an episode, with Sheen starring in a reality show.

“Absolutely,” says Sheen. “You know, when you‘ve got a, a winning series and a winning, you know, whatever the fuck this was, then, eh, you know, you‘ve got, tiger blood! Twitter twitter tweet tweet drug drug mental herpaderp”

-Jenny Darmody