Severe taxes to be introduced on people who only smoke while drinking

Bosco Robinson

New legislation has been brought in that will see severe taxes levied on any individual who chooses to only smoke while drinking in Ireland. The announcement was made at a press conference this morning as part of the "Either Full-Time Smoke, or you're a Joke" initiative, introduced jointly by theTaoiseach and Minister for Health.

The taxes will be imposed on part-time smokers at point of purchase of cigarettes, and determination of their full or part-time smoking categorisation will be made upon analysis of fingertips, teeth and, if necessary, breathalyser tests that have been specifically designed to detect several indicators of full-time usage, including lung-capacity, traces of certain chemicals in breath and whether or not any tar is left on the mouthpiece.

The two-tiered pricing structure will demand any proven part-time smoker pays €20 per box, and this will take effect at all levels of cigarette sale, from Duty-Free to cigarette machines in pubs.

A hastily constructed action group, fronted by several concerned part-time smoking citizens, has criticised the move as being unfair, and accused the government of discrimination against the part-time smoking community. The "Equal Rights for Part-time Smokers" group (ERPtS), have demanded the tax be either applied across the board or scrapped, as they feel they should not be punished for merely avoiding the contraction of a full-blown addiction.

But An Taoiseach Brian Cowen and Health Minister Harney lashed back at their claims, accusing their supportive research as ripe with flaw, and citing several statistics that prove the idiocy of part-time smoking, and its drain on state money.

"Part-time smokers are a pain in the ass", declared a slightly hung-over looking Cowen, "poncy little bandwagon-jumping, try-hard muppets who are too much of a bunch of pussies to smoke all the time, but still think they look the business when they're boozing with a fag in their hands. Half a bottle of Corona and they're suddenly the Marlboro Cowboy, getting our hopes up that more revenue will be coming in on the grounds of having a few more smokers, but oh no, come the next morning they're back lecturing their friends about not smoking near them when they're eating and all this bollox. Whinging hypocritical losers, each and every one of them."

Minister Harney added, "Do you know how many cases of singed fingers A&E departments have to deal with because they haven't a clue how to hold the damn things, or how often part-time smokers suffer from burns to the face, hands and eyes? It costs the Health Service an absolute fortune."

Cowen's concluding remarks, thoroughly describing the methods of corporal punishment he'd introduce on part-time smokers 'in an ideal world', were proceeded by a lengthy drag from his Major cigarette [editor's note: he strikes us as a Major smoker], clearing the entire stick with one powerful pull, as if to hammer home both his point and his unchallenged midland man-potency. When then quizzed by a journalist about part-time smoking's potential justification by way of research that shows the same portions of the brain get stimulated by both nicotine and alcohol, Cowen merely stared down the soon-to-be quivering young man with a glare that could drill a hole through a diamond, slowly breathed smoke out of his bull-like nostrils and responded, "fuck off."

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