Scientists say increasing lighting in Coppers by 10% will reduce Irish STI rates by 4,000%

Researchers from the Royal College of Surgeons this morning announced that Ireland could curb a recent increase in sexually transmitted infections by increasing visibility in a prominent Dublin nightspot.

The research team ran a host of rigorously controlled experiments, where the lighting levels in Copper Face Jack’s nightclub were increased by increments of 10%. The results were measured in terms of the resulting behavioural change in people both in the preliminary stages (i.e. kissing on the dancefloor) or final stages (stumbling towards the exit with a secured mate) of STI contraction.

The results showed that a lighting increase of even 10% caused individuals to immediately take a step back, revaluate the aesthetic integrity of the person they were until that point willing to have sex with, and in many cases excuse themselves from the situation.

Men were more likely to use excuses pertaining to “looking for the lads”, whereas women were more likely to excuse themselves on the grounds of needing to use the restroom.

However the scientists were certain that beneath the veneer of these excuses was the realisation for the individuals in question that they were about to get down and literally dirty.

Surprisingly, repeated experiments around different nightspots in Dublin did not yield similar results. The research team trialled their methods in 14 other nightclubs around the capital’s city centre and recorded negligible resultant behaviour changes from increasing lighting levels even as much as 60 or 70%.

When quizzed as to possible causes for the phenomenon only occurring in Coppers, the research team neglected to comment for legal reasons.

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