'Next: Mandatory breast implants!'

The French government has announced a ban on full-face veils worn by Muslim women. French President, Nicolas Sarkozy announced the ban yesterday, saying, “You can wear what ever you want in this country, as long is it‘s not something we don‘t like.”

Following the minimal resistance to the ban, President Sarkozy has decided he will move to ban denim jeans that are not skinny and people with red hair. “When I interview for this job, they say to me, ‘hey Nicolas, what are you going to change?’ And I reply ‘I will make the country look better.’ Ginger does not look well in this country,” he said.

Police have been instructed on how to enforce the ban. “They can‘t take the veils off by force,” says Sarkozy. “That‘ll make us look like we‘re wrong. We have to be sensitive apparently.”

Rachid Nekkaz, a property dealer who is against the ban, says he will put a property worth €2 million up for sale to fund his campaign, “It‘s grand, sure I‘m a property dealer I can get another one. When has a drug dealer ever been without drugs after he sells some?”

President Sarkozy has announced that he welcomes these acts of civil disobedience. “These women, they are fined when they don‘t do what I say, and the money comes back to the government,” he says. “If they follow the ban, I get my way, if they don’t, I get my money. Either way, it is good.”

Manuel Roux, the secretary general of France’s main police union, said the law would be difficult to enforce. “Basically, it‘s just a waste of time, none of my men are going to bother,” he says. “We can‘t force them to take it off, we can only try to convince them. So if they say no all we can do is say, ‘ah go on…’ and see how we get on. Fuck it like. Wine?”

Jenny Darmody