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Sarkozy demands to know how team of sulking egotistical cheats could have failed

French President Nicolas Sarkozy has summoned his country’s disgraced football team to the Elysee Palace, and demanded an explanation as to their poor showing at this year’s World Cup.

France, winners in 1998 and finalists in 2006, hilariously crashed out of the tournament in the first round this week, in a soap opera like decline into madness which couldn’t have been more perfect if it had been scripted by an Irishman.

“It’s outrageous,” said President Sarkozy, who was speaking at an official reception to honour the new head of the lollipop guild.

“We have some of the biggest egos in football, a screwball coach who everybody hates, the scorn of the rest of the world for cheating our way here, and an innate tendency to bitch and moan. What could have gone so wrong?

The team were met at Charles De Gaulle airport by an estimated crowd of 5,000 unhappy supporters, who collectively shrugged their shoulders, grunted ‘Boffff’ and participated in a mass lighting of cigarettes to register their disapproval.

Dropped former captain Patrice Evra momentarily removed his gold plated ipod headphones to try and explain the reason for the discord in the camp: “I think what people have to realise is that we’re incredibly rich idle superstars, who spend most of the day planning their next under-age gangbang or novelty rap single.

“So when some fruit loop comes along and tries to tell us what to do, that’s not going to work. Tiens?”

Manager Domenech, who refused to shake the hand of South African coach Carlos Alberto Parreira for his comments on Henry's handball said cryptically: “Sometimes in life, you want the pigeon to fly home, but then Ribery gets himself sent off and Anelka acts the bollox. C’est la vie eh. By the way Estelle, I want a divorce.

Meanwhile, Nicolas Anelka is understood to be slowly making his way on foot to his club Chelsea’s London base.

The Incredible Sulk was sent home by Domenech for suggesting the manager’s family origins may be of the canine variety, and has since managed to charm his way into being thrown off three charter flights, a cruise ship and 4 Volkswagen camper vans. 

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Miami named most miserable U.S. city

(Reuters) - Warm sun, white beaches, and million-dollar mansions notwithstanding, Miami has captured the dubious distinction of being the most miserable city in the United States, according to a new poll.

The playground of the rich and famous is home to a crippling housing crisis, one of the highest crime rates in the country, and lengthy daily commutes for workers, all of which have propelled it to the No. 1 position in the Forbes.com list.

"Miami has sun and beautiful weather but other things make people miserable. You have this two-tier society: glitzy South Beach attracts celebrities, but the income inequality has skyrocketed in recent years," explained Forbes Senior Editor Kurt Badenhausen.

The rankings are based on factors including jobless rates, violent crime, foreclosures, income and property taxes, as well as considerations like weather, commute time and political corruption.

Reeling for decades from the decline of the U.S. auto industry, Michigan's troubled duo of Detroit and Flint registered at No. 2 and No. 3, respectively, among the most miserable cities.

"Detroit and Flint are struggling," said Badenhausen. "Violent crime is highest in the country in Detroit; housing prices are down 55 percent. Detroit is closing schools and laying off policemen. In recent years they have been demolishing houses to change their city landscapes"

West Palm Beach, Florida and Sacramento, California rounded out the top five cities.

"We're trying to judge cities where residents have a lot of complaints. It doesn't mean that there aren't terrific things there," he said.

And for the haves Miami's charms remain undiminished.

"The one percent in Miami is doing fantastic. But for the vast majority, who make less than $75,000 (a year), Miami can be a challenging place," he said. "Forty-seven percent of homeowners sit on underwater mortgages. That's tough."