Blatter - 'No evidence of corruption'

Russia is celebrating after they won the bribery auction for the right to host the 2018 World, defeating rivals England in the process.

“This is a great day for Putinland, I mean Russia,” said Russian Prime Minister / Still the Boss Vladimir ‘Putes’ Putin. “We have shown that Russia is a still a bribery and corruption superpower. There should be a few quid in those stadiums eh?!

Federation of International Fraudulent Administrators (FIFA) President Sepp Fatter announced the winner by opening a brown envelope with a diamond-encrusted solid gold dagger.

He said that Russia had proven itself to be “streets ahead of the competition. I don’t know whether it’s their rapid transformation from communism to oligarchy but the Russians were far better at bribing FIFA executive members and proposing an efficient system of kickbacks from the cost of constructing world cup stadiums.

“You may ask how a crumbling superpower falling into single party dictatorship could be selected over the country with the highest profile league in the world to host the tournament? I could give you several million reasons, nudge nudge wink wink!”

One executive member said England had ruled itself out of the bidding process by the “incredibly naive” behaviour of its media, which included Sunday Times and BBC investigations into bribe-taking by FIFA members.

“How dare you investigate our naked corruption?” he railed. “The English bid team said they had no control over the media, but that’s not good enough. Putin promised us that any Russian journalist trying the same thing would get a skinhead’s boot on the back of their head.

“Don’t you get it? We’re football administrators. We are not subject to your laws, we are the law. Gaaaaaaaaarrrrrrgh!

Wealthy Gulf Emirate Qatar won the right to stage the 2022 World Cup, with Blatter declaring that 12 years was “plenty of time to get some grass growing and start liking women and booze” but that in any event, a sand-based world Cup would prove a “novelty factor” and allow France to get Beach football King Eric Cantona back in their side.

Back to The Spanner Ezine