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Roger Federer in hiding as 'Curse of Gillette' strikes Tiger Woods

Tennis world number one Roger Federer is reported to be cowering under a bed at an undisclosed location after Tiger Woods became the latest victim of the Gillette celebrity endorsement curse.

Federer and Woods recently appeared with French handballing blackguard Thierry Henry in a series of ads for the razor hawkers where they were seen to use the world as a golf / tennis / football and strut about the place in fancy suits with an unmistakable aura of over-talented smugness.

Ironically Henry states in the ad that he ‘never thinks about yesterday’ with Woods insisting ‘the only day that matters is today.’ If only it were that simple lads eh?

The trio were thought to have been selected for their squeaky clean public image but with Henry’s actions against Ireland giving him the new status of football enemy number one and Tiger Wood’s mysterious car crash leading to revelations of affairs that is now seriously in question.

Federer is believed to be somewhere in the Swiss Toblerone Alps an artificial chocolate mountain range built by its far right government to celebrate the deportation of the country’s last foreigner in 2008.

“Roger is really scared” said spokesperson Pierre Le Fondue. “Everybody knows bad things happen in threes.

“His plan is to sit it out for a while until the curse holds off. He’s holed up alone in a bunker with only a Swiss army knife for protection. Anybody who tries to get through the door will get a tin opener in the face.

“As long as it doesn’t come out about him secretly helping Iran to build nuclear weapons everything should be fine. Shit I didn’t mean to say that that’s off the record okay?”

Tiger Woods has refuted rumours of extra marital liaisons and ensuing bust up with his wife Elin Nordegren pointing out that ‘driving into a wall and tree while totally sober at the same as your wife smashes in the window with a golf club could happen to anyone and is totally normal.”

 

In completely unrelated news:
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John Terry won't be facing trial for racial abuse until after Euro 2012. So he's free to lead his country into Poland. Just like his hero did.
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Irishman makes "billion-euro home" of shredded notes

(Reuters) - An unemployed Irish artist has built a home from the shredded remains of 1.4 billion euros ($1.82 billion), a monument to the "madness" he says has been wrought on Ireland by the single currency, from a spectacular construction boom to a wrenching bust.

Frank Buckley built the apartment in the lobby of a Dublin office building that has lain vacant since its completion four years ago at the peak of an ill-fated construction boom, using bricks of shredded euro notes he borrowed from Ireland's national mint.

"It's a reflection of the whole madness that gripped us," Buckley said of what he calls his "billion-euro home."

"People were pouring billions into buildings now worth nothing," he said. "I wanted to create something from nothing."

A wave of cheap credit flowed into Ireland in the early 2000s after Ireland joined the currency zone fuelling a huge property bubble that transformed the country.

The bubble's collapse since 2007 plunged Ireland into the deepest recession in the industrialized world, forcing the former "Celtic Tiger" to accept a humiliating bailout from the EU and the IMF.

Buckley was given a 100 percent mortgage at the peak of the boom to buy a 365,000 euro home on the far reaches of Dublin's commuter belt, despite the fact he had no steady income.

He has separated from his wife who lives in the home, which has since lost at least one-third of its value.

Living in his "billion euro home" since the start of December, Buckley is working on adding a kitchen to the living room and hall.

The walls and floor are covered in euro shreddings and the house is so warm Buckley sleeps without a blanket.

Pictures made from notes and coins decorate the walls, including one of a house, made from Irish 5 pence pieces.

"There are houses in Ireland worth less than that," Buckley quips.

Buckley said he wants Europe's politicians to solve the eurozone debt crisis without destroying its currency. But if the currency ultimately fails, he will happily use the euro zone's defunct notes as fodder for future projects.

"Whatever you say about the euro, it's a great insulator."