Tennis world number one Roger Federer is reported to be cowering under a bed at an undisclosed location after Tiger Woods became the latest victim of the Gillette celebrity endorsement curse.

Federer and Woods recently appeared with French handballing blackguard Thierry Henry in a series of ads for the razor hawkers where they were seen to use the world as a golf / tennis / football and strut about the place in fancy suits with an unmistakable aura of over-talented smugness.

Ironically Henry states in the ad that he ‘never thinks about yesterday’ with Woods insisting ‘the only day that matters is today.’ If only it were that simple lads eh?

The trio were thought to have been selected for their squeaky clean public image but with Henry’s actions against Ireland giving him the new status of football enemy number one and Tiger Wood’s mysterious car crash leading to revelations of affairs that is now seriously in question.

Federer is believed to be somewhere in the Swiss Toblerone Alps an artificial chocolate mountain range built by its far right government to celebrate the deportation of the country’s last foreigner in 2008.

“Roger is really scared” said spokesperson Pierre Le Fondue. “Everybody knows bad things happen in threes.

“His plan is to sit it out for a while until the curse holds off. He’s holed up alone in a bunker with only a Swiss army knife for protection. Anybody who tries to get through the door will get a tin opener in the face.

“As long as it doesn’t come out about him secretly helping Iran to build nuclear weapons everything should be fine. Shit I didn’t mean to say that that’s off the record okay?”

Tiger Woods has refuted rumours of extra marital liaisons and ensuing bust up with his wife Elin Nordegren pointing out that ‘driving into a wall and tree while totally sober at the same as your wife smashes in the window with a golf club could happen to anyone and is totally normal.”

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