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Roger Federer in hiding as 'Curse of Gillette' strikes Tiger Woods

Tennis world number one Roger Federer is reported to be cowering under a bed at an undisclosed location after Tiger Woods became the latest victim of the Gillette celebrity endorsement curse.

Federer and Woods recently appeared with French handballing blackguard Thierry Henry in a series of ads for the razor hawkers where they were seen to use the world as a golf / tennis / football and strut about the place in fancy suits with an unmistakable aura of over-talented smugness.

Ironically Henry states in the ad that he ‘never thinks about yesterday’ with Woods insisting ‘the only day that matters is today.’ If only it were that simple lads eh?

The trio were thought to have been selected for their squeaky clean public image but with Henry’s actions against Ireland giving him the new status of football enemy number one and Tiger Wood’s mysterious car crash leading to revelations of affairs that is now seriously in question.

Federer is believed to be somewhere in the Swiss Toblerone Alps an artificial chocolate mountain range built by its far right government to celebrate the deportation of the country’s last foreigner in 2008.

“Roger is really scared” said spokesperson Pierre Le Fondue. “Everybody knows bad things happen in threes.

“His plan is to sit it out for a while until the curse holds off. He’s holed up alone in a bunker with only a Swiss army knife for protection. Anybody who tries to get through the door will get a tin opener in the face.

“As long as it doesn’t come out about him secretly helping Iran to build nuclear weapons everything should be fine. Shit I didn’t mean to say that that’s off the record okay?”

Tiger Woods has refuted rumours of extra marital liaisons and ensuing bust up with his wife Elin Nordegren pointing out that ‘driving into a wall and tree while totally sober at the same as your wife smashes in the window with a golf club could happen to anyone and is totally normal.”

 

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Miami named most miserable U.S. city

(Reuters) - Warm sun, white beaches, and million-dollar mansions notwithstanding, Miami has captured the dubious distinction of being the most miserable city in the United States, according to a new poll.

The playground of the rich and famous is home to a crippling housing crisis, one of the highest crime rates in the country, and lengthy daily commutes for workers, all of which have propelled it to the No. 1 position in the Forbes.com list.

"Miami has sun and beautiful weather but other things make people miserable. You have this two-tier society: glitzy South Beach attracts celebrities, but the income inequality has skyrocketed in recent years," explained Forbes Senior Editor Kurt Badenhausen.

The rankings are based on factors including jobless rates, violent crime, foreclosures, income and property taxes, as well as considerations like weather, commute time and political corruption.

Reeling for decades from the decline of the U.S. auto industry, Michigan's troubled duo of Detroit and Flint registered at No. 2 and No. 3, respectively, among the most miserable cities.

"Detroit and Flint are struggling," said Badenhausen. "Violent crime is highest in the country in Detroit; housing prices are down 55 percent. Detroit is closing schools and laying off policemen. In recent years they have been demolishing houses to change their city landscapes"

West Palm Beach, Florida and Sacramento, California rounded out the top five cities.

"We're trying to judge cities where residents have a lot of complaints. It doesn't mean that there aren't terrific things there," he said.

And for the haves Miami's charms remain undiminished.

"The one percent in Miami is doing fantastic. But for the vast majority, who make less than $75,000 (a year), Miami can be a challenging place," he said. "Forty-seven percent of homeowners sit on underwater mortgages. That's tough."