Oldies - not happy

The Revenue have issued a humble apology after issuing ‘insensitive’ letters at Christmas informing thousands of pensioners that they had failed to declare state pensions and were liable for increased tax bills.

The apology came despite the fact that it was entirely down to individual pensioners not declaring income correctly - which is against the law - and that only those in receipt of over €50,000 a year would be affected.

However, pensioner tax cheats must be assessed differently to younger tax cheats, according to Sheila Sleeveen, Minister of State for Political Cowardice.

“Well, the main difference between pensioners and younger tax evaders is that pensioners have a much stronger sense of entitlement and they all vote,” she said.

“You saw the fuss when the Government tried to withdraw Charlie McCreevy’s ‘free medical card for all over 70s even if they’re millionaires’ brainwave. The zombie hordes descended on Dublin and wrecked the gaff.

“Seeing as they’re all retired and have free travel they can assemble at a day’s notice which is a nightmare for any government.

“Obviously though, if you’re under 65 and have under-paid tax we’ll confiscate your house, mobile phone and shoes tomorrow and lock you up in the Joy till your family bail you out. It’s a zero-tolerance policy. Ish.”

“This is a disgrace,” said Disgruntled Irish Elderly (DIE) spokesperson Myles On na gCloch from his villa in Spain. “How dare the politicians force wealthy old people to pay tax.

“We had our recession in the 80’s, ye young feckers can sort this one out without expecting us to fulfill their social responsibilities. That’s only Scandinavian nonsense.”

The reason Irish newspapers have been enthusiastically parroting the nonsensical ‘horrible attack on elderly’ line has yet to be established and is almost certainly not because only old people buy their products any more.