Queen Elizabeth arrived in Ireland on Tuesday afternoon full of excitement. Wearing a green outfit, green for Ireland you see, and a smile all day long, the Queen was dragged around Dublin all day, being shown loads of shit and stuff and all. However, reports have emerged that the 85-year-old monarch is "absolutely cream-crackered".

“One only gets off the plane and then one has to go meet all the people, lay a wreath in the Garden of Remembrance and plant a random tree. One really does get worn out from such tasks.”

The Queen also had an outfit change in the middle of the day, and even a relaxing lunch was not relaxing enough when she had to talk to everyone at the table and pretend to be interested in anything other than her own food.

Taoiseach, Enda Kenny expressed his excitement for the visit, “It‘s just so great, you know, I mean to see her here like, and I was chattin‘ away to her at the lunch you know, and I was just thinking, ‘God, I really am the best Taoiseach ever.’”

The Taoiseach also expressed his concern over the next State visit. “I don‘t know about that Obama lad anymore you know, I know I got him here and amn‘t I great, yes I know, but the fecker‘s only staying for 24 hours and he‘s going to spend half of that sleeping and another bit in Moneygall, I think he‘s just doing it to make himself look good. I would never do such a thing myself.”

Eamon Gilmore did not have much to say on the matter but did comment once, “I got to meet her getting off the plane! I got to meet her before Kenny, therefore I win. Jackpot!”

The Queen admitted she’s looking forward to a nice nap and a steaming cup of tea when she gets home. “One has to go to Cork and Tipperary and everything this week, events lined up back to back! One thinks President Obama might have had the idea with 24 hours. Clever sod.”

Jenny Darmody