A shock admission by Catholic clergyman has left observers of this ever-evolving scandal in utter disbelief. Speaking on Tonight with Vincent Browne, Father Damien O’Toole, without any prompting at all, confessed to “child buggery of the most fantastic kind.”

Originally from Sallins, Co. Kildare, Father O’Toole’s four decades in the priesthood have seen him work in communities in Donegal, Waterford and Wicklow. Grasping the opportunity of a public television appearance with both hands, the recently retired preacher thought it was time to explain himself.

“I was a bit of a loner and an outcast as a child, a quiet boy growing up in Sallins. Of course, everybody knows that Sallins is a bit rough in places, a bit of a shithole really, so when I finished school I thought that the priesthood would shelter me from some of what life had shown me before.

“Father O’Toole,” interjected the venerable potato head of Vincent Browne, “what are you getting at now, what are you trying to say?”

“What I’m trying to say, Vincent, is that from a relatively early age I saw the priesthood as my only calling. I could be a functional part of a community, helping people, nurturing the locals spiritually as they went through life. I took particular interest in children. Their formative years are so important.

“Well, remembering my youth and how difficult I knew it could be, I sought sexual revenge through molestation, rape and torture. I terrified young boys and girls with carnal violence, relieving my own insecurities while keeping myself abstinent. And sure enough, nobody ever found me out, which was all the better as I fucked my way through the youth of communities in far away Donegal and then down in the south-east.”

“Now hold on a second there!” Browne was visibly distressed at this point and raised his ire against Father O’Toole. “I would remind you that you are on a serious panel show and use of the F-word is unacceptable.”

“Ah, apologies for that,” responded Father O’Toole. “But as I was saying, I grew up to be a priest, I found my life fulfilled in the priesthood, and of course they looked after me. I’m seventy now and I may as well come out and say that if it wasn’t for the church, I’d probably have been locked up at some point, so they did me a world of good.”

Panelists Some Guy from UCD, A Journalist from The Paper and An Expert from A Semi-State Company agreed that Father O’Toole was very bold for doing what he did, but other than that were essentially speechless.

Cathal Wogan