The cast of RTE's new situation-comedy 'Presidential Debate'

The sparks flew in Montrose on Monday night as the seven Presidential hopefuls crossed swords for the final time before polling stations open on Thursday.

It was clear from the outset that the evening was going to be action-packed with controversy when Dana Rosemary Scallon opted to throw down the gauntlet early on.

Speaking from behind bulletproof glass, Miss Scallon once again levelled allegations of media bias against what she described as the “liberal atheist pig-dogs” of RTÉ.

Host, Pat Kenny, was quick to deny the allegations but many have questioned his decision to dress as the Michelin Man for the entire duration of the show and for staring menacingly at Dana, even while other candidates were answering questions.

The next talking point was provided by gaffe-prone Fine Gael candidate, Gay Mitchell. Mitchell, who left viewers stunned during last week’s TG4 debate after he performed live on air what he called his ‘elephant impression’ when asked by host Páidí Ó Lionáird what his party piece was, raised eyebrows once again when he challenged Pat Kenny to an arm wrestle live on air in a last-ditch bid to prove his suitability for the role of President.

Kenny politely declined and moved on to the next question but sources within RTÉ claim that Pat
offered him best of three during the advertisement break and that Mitchell failed to record even a solitary victory.

No doubt the biggest talking point of the evening came when bookies’ favourite, Sean Gallagher, suffered an epic implosion in the face of serious allegations from Sinn Féin’s Martin McGuinness. Gallagher, who throughout this campaign has been keen to distance himself from the party he has spent his entire adult life being a member of, was accused by McGuinness of being a bag man for a Fianna Fáil party drunk on its own cronyism and corruption.

However, Gallagher later clarified that when he personally collected thousands of Euros from a convicted criminal in return for direct access to the Taoiseach he did so in an “entirely legitimate”
manner.

Irish satirists were up in arms at Gallagher’s desperate attempts to undo the damage done by his
careless choice of words with many claiming that he was making their job too easy.

“He says he’s all about creating jobs but if he carries on like this I’m going to end up out of one, my articles are going to read like straight-faced reportage at this rate,” said Cronchur from Donnybrook,

“I’m an artist, I don’t want to make my living churning out tired and obvious Father Ted gags about money resting in accounts.”

However, despite the seismic shift in public opinion following his ill-judged comments, Gallagher still appeared to have his supporters.

“Say what you like about Sean and his connections to Fianna Fáil, he’s done very well for a giant
thumb dressed in a suit” said Liam from Clontarf.

Perhaps the biggest shock of the night came when the ostensibly unimpeachable Michael D. Higgins was himself dragged into the murky waters of controversy after allegations surfaced that he is in fact Reverend Timms, a disgraced vicar on the run from the village of Greendale in the UK.

The accusations were made by a gentleman working in the British postal service known only as ‘Pat’, Gardaí are currently looking into it.

Johnny McGee