Premature Christmas Revelers To Be Placed on Naughty List – Santa

santa satireSanta Claus is going to town on people prematurely celebrating Christmas, stating that all premature Christmas revelers will now be placed on his infamous “Naughty List”.

The embargo on early festivities will take immediate effect for anyone who celebrates Christmas during the remainder of November. Those who celebrated Christmas before Halloween will be retroactively charged with “Christmas crimes of an egregious nature”, one elf said.

While it is still permitted to buy presents & decorations in preparation for Christmas, any active acts of celebration before the first of December are listable offences. These include, but are not limited to, singing Christmas songs, adorning your property with lights or other decorations, putting up a tree, and wearing “so-bad-they’re-good” Christmas jumpers.

“People think we’re lazy because we only work the Christmas period, but in reality we work round the clock at the busiest time of the year” Santa said in a press release. “Talk to anyone who works in retail and they’ll tell you how hard the Christmas period is on workers. And with the global population steadily increasing, coupled with the fact that many parents have limited funding, our elves are pushed to their limits as is. They don’t have reproductive organs, so we have the same number of elves working for an ever-increasing number of children. We cannot allow the Christmas spirit to get out of control, or to possess society at its very core”.

In a major step towards the international peace-process, Santy has recruited the Grinch to help quell the Christmas spirit. “Of course I wish that he had come around to my way of thinking sooner, but I’m glad that Santa & I have been able to reach an agreement. We’ll be Celebrating Christmas in July before you know it unless we rein in the festivities. Pun definitely intended”, the Grinch said on his official Facebook page.

Mrs. Claus has been placed in charge of the Claus Coal Corporation, which has reportedly increased its usual Christmas order tenfold in anticipation of the increased number of naughty boys & girls.